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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Wednesday, August 2, 2006

Profiles from Don'tDowryHimGirl.com

Alleged Cheater: Thomas Fenwick

Gentlewomen, be wary! While Thomas may look dapper in his fine suit and hat, underneath this affable exterior lies the heart of a demon! Not an hour before Thomas and I were wed, I sighted him rolling about in the linens with my eldest sister, Mary. When I confronted him, he said they were just “searching for her eyeglasses.” Mary doesn’t wear eyeglasses! If you become enamoured with one Thomas Fenwick, proceed with due caution. We are married and there is nothing I can do about it, as women have very little status and no choice in choosing their husbands during this time period.

Alleged Cheater: Henry Douglas

When I met Henry, I was enchanted. He claimed to be the proprietor of a smithing shop in Glasgow, but I later discovered that this was but a ruse. Henry is, in truth, a “confidence man” who has little love for anything but money. I invited him to spend the night in my family’s home, and when I awoke the next morning Henry was gone—along with our best vase and milking cow. I suspect he has fooled many another young maiden with tales of metal-smithing and adventure. Be warned!

Alleged Cheater: Lord Victor T. Musgrave III

I worked as a servant for five years at the Musgrave Estate. Lord Musgrave had a fancy for me, and took me many times in the powder room. He purported that I was the only woman for him, and that he would gladly leave Lady Musgrave for me. Alas, as the years went by, this promise began to fall on deaf ears. I saw the Lord for what he was: a conniving old sod with a taste for younger woman. When I threatened to tell Lady Musgrave of his indiscretions, he threw me out on the street. Now I only have eight toes and must steal to eat. Stay away! A pox on the house of Musgrave!

Alleged Cheater: Cyril Jonas “C.J.” Dalton

Cyril thinks he is the Lord God’s gift to womenfolk, but he is nothing more than a liar and a cheat. We have been husband and wife for fifteen years, and there is nary a night that Cyril does not come stumbling home, drunk, with some harlot for a local tavern. Oh, but were I to leave him! No, as my family paid a dowry to him, there is nothing I can do. Perhaps in the future womenfolk will be able to recognize and leave a bad relationship rather than remaining steadfast then displaying their stupidity about it on the internet, but I have no choice.

Alleged Cheater: James Oliver Meriwether

I am betrothed to James, and it makes me sad. Even at 7, I can tell he will be a bad husband to me. He never shares his toys. James is a big dumb poopy-head. I don’t want to marry him. I wish I had a pony. Arranged weddings are stupid. I hate my parents. James is very mean and spoiled. I wish I knew how to read.

Jake Christie is a humor writer, novelist, screenwriter, playwright, and all-around good guy. He is a featured writer on the college humor Web site Points in Case and his Web site, which will be titled when inspiration strikes him, has been featured at places like College Humor and Fark. He's probably the most important person on the internet today.