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Monday, August 14, 2006

How To
Test Your Sexist, Ageist, and Racist Tendencies

Victor Anthoni

Analogy Problems Designed to Test for Ageism:

1. If an 18-year-old girl is like a Krispy Kreme glazed doughnut, then a sexy middle-aged woman is like:

a. a cinnamon bun
b. mincemeat pie
c. year-old ham in the back of the fridge
d. one of those Eli’s assorted cheesecakes, where you get two slices of four or five different kinds of cheesecake all in the same package

Answer: d. While the doughnut has that attractive, mouth-watering hole, it gets rather boring and a bit sugar-sickening after a couple of bites. And while the cheesecake, by nature, has more fat, you totally forget about that once you start eating it.

2. If an 18-year-old boy is like an aluminum baseball bat, then a midlife male (i.e., someone who would be played by Bill Murray in the film version of this analogy) is like:

a. two-year-old ham in the back of the fridge
b. dirty socks that have been under the couch since 1979
c. Dan Aykroyd
d. a golf club

Answer: d. The golf club doesn’t inspire quite the instantaneous physiological response of a baseball bat (in fact, most people can break a golf club over their knees), but if you use it correctly, the golf club hits the ball a heck of a lot farther.

Story Problems Designed to Test for Sexism:

3. Chuck, Dick, and Perry were on the 280-yard eighth hole at Palm Breeze Municipal Golf Course arguing about who was closest to the hole. Chuck had hit his drive 200 yards, 15 degrees off center. Dick had hit the ball 225 yards, 25 degrees off center. Perry was experiencing mild chest pains and was sitting this hole out in the cart. Suddenly Pam, a stunning nineteen-year-old strawberry blonde clad in only a faded yellow bikini, skidded the drink cart to a turf-ripping stop directly in front of them.

Question: Who had taken Viagra earlier that day?

a. Chuck
b. Dick
c. Perry
d. Pam
e. all of the above

Answer: d. Pam eats or drinks anything that is handed to her, and in fact, has been in a zombie-like state from roofies for over two years. Earlier that day she ate Perry’s Viagra as well as his heart medicine. She doesn’t even work at the golf course.

4. Jill, Wendy, and Sunshine were trying on shoes at Zappos in the mall. Jill was surrounded by eight pairs of Donald Pilner ankle boots in several different styles and colors. Wendy had a different style of Bandolino sandals on each foot, and two more pairs on the floor. Sunshine was wearing a pair of flip-flops she’d owned for nine years, plus, she was chewing gum and reading a magazine while Jill and Wendy shopped.

Question: Which one was not wearing underwear?

a. Sunshine
b. Jill
c. Wendy
d. Chuck from the previous problem
e. The shoe-store clerk

Answer: d. Chuck from the previous problem has a serious problem with jock itch.

Bluntly Direct Questions Designed to Test for Racism:

5. Are you a racist?

a. No, of course not.
b. No, I’m not a racist, but my dog is.
c. No, I’m not a racist, I just think that you have to be careful, you know, because some people, and I’m not generalizing here or anything, but some people just tend to be more, you know, violent and stuff. I mean, I’m not racist or anything, but there are certain neighborhoods I won’t go into. But, it’s not because I’m racist, I’m just not stupid.
d. Yes

Answer: d. Yes.

6. Are some of your best friends of a different skin color than you?

a. Yes.
b. I think so, sure.
c. I’m colorblind.
d. Do anonymous sexual partners count as “friends”?
e. This question is making me itch.

Answer: e. What the hell kind of test is this anyway?

Victor Anthoni is the pseudonym of a multiple Y.P.R. contributor who publishes his less sexually juvenile humor using his real name.