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Elaborate and Highly Ineffective Ways to Kill Yourself at Work

by Lindsay Dudbridge

1) Slit your wrists with a Post-it. Be sure to use the non-sticky side, you don’t want that strange gummy material re-sealing your wounds 2) Shove permanent markers up your nose, eventually you will pass out from the fumes and…

Polish Fact

Polish-American Athletes
Carol Blazejowski (G.M., N.Y. Liberty)
Tom Gola (Forward, Philadelphia Warriors, N.Y. Knicks)
Sebastian "Sea Bass" Janikowski (Oakland Raiders)
Ron "Jaws" Jaworski (QB, L.A. Rams, Philadelphia Eagles)
Hank Stram (Coach, Kansas City Chiefs)

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Was ist im Leben am besten? Ihre Feinde zerquetschen, sie sehen, gefahren vor Ihnen und die Wehklage der Frauen hören!
What is best in life? To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women!

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Literary Tommyrot
Friday, September 22, 2006   |    Listicles

Corollaries to Godwin’s Law

by Mike Richardson-Bryan

Godwin’s Constant
In any online forum in which Hitler is discussed objectively as an historical figure, there is a one-in-four chance that the most active participant harbors a secret admiration for Hitler which will eventually become public, complicating his campaign for dog catcher, garbage commissioner, or governor of Tennessee.

Godwin’s Dilemma
The only way to derail an online Kirk vs. Picard debate is to compare Gene Roddenberry to Hitler. The results, however, are only temporary. After a few politely-worded rebuttals, the discussion inevitably evolves into an analysis of Star Trek Episode 52: “Patterns of Force.”

Godwin’s Slope of American Political Discourse
No matter how many times Hitler comes up, an online political debate has not begun in earnest until George Bush has been compared to a monkey, Dick Cheney has been compared to Darth Vader, and Hillary Clinton has been called a bitch, a Communist, a lesbian, and a lesbo-commie-bitch.

Godwin’s Precept
If you’re going to compare someone to Hitler, you may as well go all the way and throw in some spoilers while you’re at it. For instance: “You’re living proof that Hitler, with his single hate-shriveled nut, still managed to reproduce at least once. And just like the audience in Superman Returns, when they realize that Superman is the real father of Lois’s kid and not that bland guy from the X-Men movies (who dies about fifteen minutes into X-Men: The Last Stand, by the way), people will eventually see you and your fascist bullshit for what they are.”

Godwin’s Razor
No matter how tempting it may be to compare someone to Hitler, in most cases it will be just as satisfying to call them an asstard, a douchewad, or a Young Republican.

Godwin’s Hypothesis
Hitler’s position as the premier ad hominem attack will remain secure so long as modern batshit crazy dictators continue to have unwieldy names like Ceauşescu, Milosevic, and Niyazov.

Mike Richardson-Bryan lives in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada with one wife and two dogs. Almost no one is interested in his plan for lasting peace in the Middle East. His work has also appeared on McSweeney's Internet Tendency.