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Y.P.R. & Co.
The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Thursday, September 21, 2006   |    How To

Elaborate and Highly Ineffective Ways to Kill Yourself at Work

1) Slit your wrists with a Post-it. Be sure to use the non-sticky side, you don’t want that strange gummy material re-sealing your wounds

2) Shove permanent markers up your nose, eventually you will pass out from the fumes and hit your head on your desk. It helps if you line the edges with those spikes meant to keep away pigeons.

3) Inhale the ball on the bottom of your mouse. If you don’t have one of those old-fashioned mice, look around, there’s always someone in the office whose computer equipment is crappier than yours.

4) Slam your head in the part of the copier that you have to slide out whenever there is a paper jam, yet never seems to actually reveal the offending paper.

5) Eat anything you find on the floor—this includes tacks, paper clips and anything the cleaning crew does not vacuum. Who are we kidding, the cleaning crew never vacuums.

6) Leave a note for a coworker to lock your big filing cabinet. Then crawl inside and wait. Make sure to clip your mouth shut with a large binder clip so you don’t accidentally call out when delirious from dehydration.

7) Drown yourself in a toilet. But first, make sure no one else is in the bathroom. You don’t want people to think you have difficulties with your “business” because you do have an image to uphold.

8) Completely cover your mouth and nose with mailing labels. Make sure your face is nice and dry because you want the labels to stick real well.

9) Stick your finger in your pencil sharpener until all that’s left is bone and a little bit of flesh. Then lie on your back and study it. Don’t turn your head when you vomit, you want to choke on it.

10) Dress up in an outfit that exactly matches the carpet. Lie down in a high traffic area and wait for people to walk over you. Eventually, you will die of internal bleeding. If you have a lot of heavy coworkers this may happen sooner, so it’s probably best to do this on the path to the snack machine.

11) Spill several boxes of gobstoppers all over your cube floor and then drink two or more liters of water. Every time you get up to go pee, you risk slipping and bashing your head in on your desk or cube wall.

12) Cover your entire body with those little “Sign Here” flags. Then go up to the top floor of your building, stand by an open window, and wait for a draft to catch you.

13) Unfold several paper clips and shove them under your fingernails. Then, stick them all in the power strip. Unexpected bonus: Your coworkers will cheer you as a hero when you knock out the power to the building.

14) Repeatedly visit the IT department and loudly exclaim that Episodes I, II and III are far superior to IV, V, and VI mostly due to the addition of Jar Jar Binks and because Han Solo is a pussy. Eventually, the geeks will turn on you.

Lindsay Dudbridge lives in the Washington, D.C. area and writes to quell the boredom of a monotonous government contractor’s life. Her writing has appeared in her head, on her computer, and on small scraps of paper and old bills floating around her apartment.