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Op-Ed Recipe

by David Martin

The following ingredients make one serving of old-fashioned newspaper opinion column or two shorter helpings of op-ed pieces: Ingredients - three provocative statements (may substitute with clever double entendres) - one main point - subsidiary points (optional) - filler -…

Corollaries to Godwin’s Law

by Mike Richardson-Bryan

Elaborate and Highly Ineffective Ways to Kill Yourself at Work

by Lindsay Dudbridge

Polish Fact

Military Manpower:
10,354,978 (2003 est.)
[Army, Navy(!), & Air Force]

Learn a Foreign Tongue!

Impari L'Italiano
Wham, bam, grazie, signora.
Wham, bam, thank you, ma’am.

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Literary Claptrap
Tuesday, September 26, 2006   |    How To

Strategy Guide for Capcom’s Lit Fighter II: The Word Warriors

by Dale Dobson

Stephen King
King is a fast-moving combatant, capable of unleashing a flurry of pages from his chest-mounted typewriter. A good character to play against newbies, who will be intimidated by King’s prolific output. On either side of the battle, remember that King’s attacks look terrifying but become less effective the more frequently they are used.

Special attack: Remaindered Hardcover Tornado!

Erma Bombeck
Suburban homemaker/humorist Bombeck throws soft punches and mild kicks and is an easy takedown for any experienced fighter. But watch out for her legions of easily amused fans, who may jump into play from the background to help her put up a more credible challenge.

Special attack: Mr. Coffee Erupting Malfunction!

The Apostle Paul
Early Christian scholar and leader is half-blind and slow to attack due to vintage scroll/quill equipment, but each launched letter causes continuous damage to opponent for remainder of round.

Special attack: Canonical Word of God Lightning!

Truman Capote
Rotund, alcoholic writer-about-town Capote rarely attacks face-to-face and seems easy to slap to the mat, but he will unleash his vengeful fury just before round’s end, as the battle in progress becomes fodder for his latest catty autobiographical piece in The New Yorker.

Special attack: Unscrupulous Hyperbolic Storm!

Nick Hornby
Popular British novelist attacks with razor-sharp observational barbs. Good character for novices—push the same buttons repeatedly to execute advanced sales moves.

Special attack: Keening Slacker Head Butt!

Sun Tzu
Revered author of The Art of War knows every trick in the gentleman’s book of combat. Dodge his attacks and fight dirty to take him down.

Special attack: Strategic Encirclement Starvation!

Jackie Collins
Collins attacks with implausible plots, stereotyped characters and explicit sexual content. She’s easy to take down if you can wade through her shield of famous friends and knee-deep muck.

Special attack: Rhinoplasty Facelift Explosion!

William S. Burroughs
Watch out for the time-warping effects of the miasma of drugs surrounding Burroughs’ lean frame, and dodge the sonic waves emitted by his unsettling vocal attacks.

Special attack: Addling Heroin Speechification!

William Shakespeare
“The Bard” is an undead poet and playwright who fights with rapid-fire sword jabs timed in iambic pentameter. Learn his rhythm and strike between stanzas to send him back to the grave.

Special attack: Damned Apothecary Spot Slings and Arrows!

Sylvia Plath
Depressive poet and short-story writer pulls no punches but dies early whether attacked or not.

Special attack: Mighty Suicide Gas!

Roald Dahl
Clever, twisted British author attacks all comers with constricting reels of celluloid inspired by his body of work.

Special attack: Raised Eyebrow Spine Shattering Blow!

Judy Blume
Unpredictable writer starts round with simple moves but escalates into greater sophistication with each passing moment. Save your energy during her Superfudge phase to withstand her almost-always-fatal Wifey moves late in the round.

Special attack: Inappropriate Content Surprise!


Dale Dobson writes, animates, and acts in the metropolitan Detroit area, and occasionally gets around to updating