Tuesday, October 10, 2006

RUMMY32: what r u wearing
GitmoGuy: standard-issue prison gear
RUMMY32: like what
GitmoGuy: gray pants, gray shirt, all lice-infested
RUMMY32: love details
GitmoGuy: a guard is coming brb
[idle for four minutes]
GitmoGuy: sry im back
RUMMY32: what took u so long
GitmoGuy: just my 3pm beating
RUMMY32: describe it
GitmoGuy: one guard holds me down
RUMMY32: go on
GitmoGuy: then another one basically wails at me with a billy-club
RUMMY32: does it hurt
GitmoGuy: ROTF
GitmoGuy: in pain, that is
RUMMY32: lol
RUMMY32: get a ruler and measure the welts
GitmoGuy: four inches in diameter
RUMMY32: great visual
RUMMY32: love to strip you of more rights ;)
GitmoGuy: gotta go my guard is coming back
[RUMMY32 signed off. ]

* * *

DCinDC: anyone there
AverageJoe: hey
DCinDC: m/65/wash DC, u
AverageJoe: m/40/kansas
DCinDC: kansas…that’s a big target for terrorists isn’t it
AverageJoe: not that im aware of
DCinDC: yah i just heard about it on fox news
DCinDC: they want to attack the heartland to send their msg of hatred and envy
AverageJoe: seriously?
DCinDC: yah if i were you id be pretty scared
AverageJoe: what shld i do
DCinDC: i heard the dem candidate for guv wants to cut homeland sec spending
AverageJoe: really
DCinDC: and curb the power of the exec office in times of natl emergency
AverageJoe: i guess thats pretty scary
DCinDC: and eat babies :(
DCinDC: i just heard from a trusted source that the terrorists might be launching an attack, hafta run to my bomb shelter, u shld go to urs 2
AverageJoe: i dont have one
[DCinDC signed off.]
AverageJoe: u there? hello?
AverageJoe: how do i build a bomb shelter?

* * *

GWB43: wussup
OBLadiOBLada: booya
GWB43: u old dog, its been too long
OBLadiOBLada: i know
GWB43: when are we gonna see u again
OBLadiOBLada: i dont know, when do u think
GWB43: if its before halloween everyone will forget by the time of elections
OBLadiOBLada: true-dat
GWB43: but then people might dress up as u which would be cool and throw a scare into everyone
OBLadiOBLada: there gonna party like its 2001
GWB43: ah memories
OBLadiOBLada: heh heh
GWB43: my guys treating you well over their?
OBLadiOBLada: awesome, had mickey d’s tonite
OBLadiOBLada: hows saddam?
GWB43: hes completely pissed at u. hes like, y do i get blamed for everything that guy does?
GWB43: and im like, cos u tried to kill my dad, duh
OBLadiOBLada: totes. btw, say hi to 41 for me
GWB43: will do. darn, condi is coming
OBLadiOBLada: so?
GWB43: im not allowed on the computer past nine at night
GWB43: plus i have to give a big press conference tmrw
GWB43: and i spent the whole weekend watching baseball and havent practiced my hidden earphone use AT ALL
OBLadiOBLada: ok c u l8r
GWB43: not if i c u 1st :)
[GWB43 signed off.]

Teddy Wayne is a writer living in Manhattan. His work has also recently been published in McSweeney’s and Time magazine. He runs a 4.3 40 and was a Southwest Conference First-Team selection at cornerback.

Disquieting Modern Trends: Our Prescience Frightens Us Edition Little did we know, friends, that when we dropped goofy little Footnote #2 in our most recent missive, we were setting off a series of events that would shake up the world of what still passes for entertainment these days. We feel compelled to review the bidding and offer you--our ever-salivating-for-more public--a response commensurate to our position as cultural provocateurs à la mode.
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