Friday, November 10, 2006 | Listicles
If Mice Could Speak
Glue traps would continue to wane in popularity.
There would be at least ten swear words for “cat.”
They would cringe in embarrassment every time Mickey opened his mouth.
Lab scientists would need really thick skin.
White mice would be revealed for the insufferable racists they really are.
It would be harder for them to be so quiet in church.
“Must I run this ridiculous maze just for a little cheese?” would be a question often asked.
The ability to suspend disbelief would become even more important when calling a phone-sex line.
No one would talk to their plants anymore.
Wayne Gladstone lives in Maine with his wife and children. Some of his work has been featured in McSweeney's and Opium. But all of it has not been featured in The New Yorker. If Wayne Gladstone were a restaurant, he would be a defunct roadside Roy Rogers sharing space with a wildly successful Bob's Big Boy. Visit Wayne at WayneGladstone.com