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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Tuesday, November 7, 2006

Mutant 70s Television Hybrids

Maude & Mindy
Bea Arthur arrives from outer space in a plastic egg, surprising a young Boulder, Colorado, woman who thought she was purchasing pantyhose. When Maude learns she is pregnant with Jonathan Winters, she elects to have an abortion.

Welcome Back, Kojak
Hard-bitten police detective returns to his former high school in Brooklyn to whip a group of misfit students into shape. In the pilot episode, he shoots and kills Arnold Horseshack and is awarded the N.Y.P.D. Medal of Honor.

The Jeffetsons
Quantum dry-cleaning magnate George and his family “move on up” to a deluxe transparent pod in the sky, where their lives are made a living hell by F.L.O.R.E.N.C.E., the robotic maid who controls every aspect of George’s existence.

Chico’s Angels
Three beautiful women investigate crimes, receiving assignments remotely from a Hispanic man they have never seen. One day, the calls just stop coming.

The Sanford Files
Junkyard operator/private investigator Fred Sanford solves crimes and survives frequent psychosomatic heart attacks with the aid of his son, Lamont; prison buddy, Angel; and zackly-diseased secretary, Esther.

The Bionic Rhoda
After a skydiving accident in Minneapolis, Rhoda Morgenstern receives bionic replacements for her right ear, right arm, and both legs. When she returns home to New York after her ordeal, her mother Ida says, “They couldn’t fix your nose while they were at it?”

Tony Orlando and the Sea Monsters
Mustachioed lounge singer gets mixed up with tentacled creatures and his neighbor Rip Taylor, “tying the yellow ribbon” in bizarre and unexpected ways. Aired only in Japan.

The Incredible Hutch
Los Angeles police detective Ken Hutchinson suffers overexposure to gamma rays while busting an experimental marijuana farm. Subsequently, he must enter anger management therapy to avoid becoming too large to fit in his partner’s car during high-speed chases.

The Mary Tyler Muppet Show
An attractive, independent single woman discovers a new “family” when she joins the foam-rubber staff of a rundown theatre. After seven years, everyone is let go except for Sam the Eagle.

Charlie’s Company
A Viet Cong military operative infiltrates the United States, where he struggles to conceal his covert activities from two female roommates and a nosy landlord.

Gunsmoke & The Ghost Chasers
Itinerant magazine reporters investigate ectoplasmic apparitions with the help of the Partridge Family and an invisible Western lawman. One day, they realize that “Gunsmoke” is not actually a character, but a cloud of fine particles suspended in hot gas, and split up to pursue more productive careers.

The Amazing Bunker-Man
When a blue-collar bigot is bitten by a radioactive spider, he attempts to use his newfound superpowers to turn back the clock. Failing in this, he vows to combat minorities wherever they may hide.

Sesame Street Week
Children’s favorite Louis Rukeyser sings about petroleum derivatives.

Emergency Rookies!
Inexperienced emergency medical technicians cause dozens of unnecessary deaths and have a wonderful time doing it.

Dale Dobson writes, animates, and acts in the metropolitan Detroit area, and occasionally gets around to updating