Sunday, December 24, 2006

Ho Ho HoAn American Psycho Christmas by Mick Stingley
“So how are you going to spend your bonus, Bateman?” Price is already buzzed and I am still nursing my Finlandia as Courtney lights up at the mere mention of money.
“I haven’t given it any thought.”
“What about Gstaad?” Courtney breaks in. She is wearing …

Christmas Correspondence Between Advice Columnist “Mother Wisdom” and a Disgruntled Reader by Gladstone
Dear Mother Wisdom,
I write in response to your column “Moishe in the Manger?” in which a woman who was bringing her Jewish boyfriend home for Christmas sought your help. You advised …


Frosty’s Lament
by George Motisher

Like burnt-out coals, no longer live,
My snow blind eyes will not revive,
And what of memories, youthful drive?
The joie de vivre I should derive …

New Adaptations for the Holiday Theatre Season by Dale Dobson
At this time of year, community and commercial theatres across the country raise considerable revenue with holiday-themed shows like The Best Christmas Pageant Ever and umpteen versions of …

Happy Holidays from Brit-Brit & K-FedChristmastime Is Here: Some Holiday Cards 2004

A Holiday Update from the Kinsleys by Julianne Flynn
Dear Friends and Family,
As the holiday season approaches, our family would like to share news of the extraordinary changes and growth we’ve experienced this year. As many of you know, my husband Frank has been prone to embarrassing bouts …

Season’s Greetings by Stephen Loomis
Dear Sis,
Merry Christmas to you all! It sure is nice getting your Christmas letters each year. Sisters should be close. I sure am glad everything’s fine with you all. Vice President of Marketing. You must be so proud of …

The Stanton Family Christmas Newsletter by Jonathan Shipley
Hi,
Jim has testicular cancer. Pray for him. He’s doing OKAY but pray for him. The growth has reëmerged in his left testicle. We’re hoping to get him out of the hospital for Christmas. If we do get to …

The Annual Holiday Newsletter from the Guy Who Does the Voiceover for NBC Primetime TV Previews by Michael Ward
Dear Friends:
It’s been an EXPLOSIVE 2004 for the Jones family. You WON’T BELIEVE when you hear what’s been happening. First, in a SHOCKING TWIST in late March, a routine inspection of the septic tank reveals a COSTLY corrosion problem …

Letter from the White House to Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum by George Motisher
Dear Madame;
The White House has recently been informed that you have created a new Nativity scene, with biblical characters being portrayed by wax sculptures of sports legends, entertainers, and political …

Happy Birthday, Jesus Christ!
Dear J.C.,
Happy Birthday! I know everybody’s buying you frankincense and myrrh and Xbox for your birthday, so we were totally stumped. You’re a hard person to shop for …

Listicles
Selected Titles of Hollywood Westerns Gayer than Brokeback Mountain Advance to the Rear (1964) The Adventures of Bullwhip Griffin (1967) Along Came Jones (1945) Along the Mohawk Trail (1957) As Man to Man Back in the Saddle (1941) Back to the Woods (1937) Backlash (1956) The Bandit Queen...
Etc.
MMV The annual wrapup.
Fiction
An American Psycho Christmas "Joy to the World" is being piped in over the din of the late afternoon crush at Saks Fifth Avenue and I am cursing the fact that I have to wait so long for the clerk to return with my credit card. "So how are you going to spend your bonus, Bateman?" Price is already buzzed and I am still nursing my Finlandia as Courtney lights up at the mere mention of money.

 

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