I am Y.P.R.'s Boring Logo
The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastilly Written & Sloppilly Edited

RSD | RSS I | RSS II | Atøm | Spanish

Support Submit
From the Y.P.aRchives Fun, Fickle Fiction (for Free!) Fact, Opinion, Essay, & Review Spectacular Features, Calendrical Happenings, Media Gadflies Poetry & Lyric Advice, How To, & Self-Help Listicles Semi-Frequent Columns Letter from the Editors Disquieting Modern Trends Interviews Interviews with Interviewers One-Question Interviews The Book Club Media Gadflies Calendrical Happenings Roasts Correspondence (Letters To and Letters From) Letters from Y.P.R. Letters to Y.P.R. Birthday Cards to Celebrities Pop Stars in Hotel Rooms Shreek of the Week of the Day Polish Facts: An Antidote to the Polish Joke The Y.P.aRt Gallery Illustrious Illustration Photography Photomontage Graphic Design Logo Gallery What's Up with That? Fuit Salad Nick's Guff Vermont Girl The M_methicist Daily Garfield Digest New & Noteworthy Contributors' Notes Et Cetera, Et Cetera, Et Cetera The Y.P.aRchives
Commons License
This journal is licensed under a Creative Commons License and powered by Movable Typo 4.01.
Y.P.R. & Co.

Thursday, December 7, 2006

You Are Cordially Invited ...

You are cordially invited to the in-game wedding of Adelexia Junehopper and Griffin Excelsior this Saturday at the Imperium Colossi Guildhouse on Server 41.

If you can’t make it this far into Vonderland by Saturday, there will be a Level 23 sorceress at the southeastern docks offering teleports. Her name is Shandelan. She’ll get you here for free. She only asks that you donate any platinum pieces that you can spare.

You may bring one guest. We are trying to keep this wedding somewhat small and invite-only. Our friend Shi’ae will be conjuring enough meat and ale for everybody, but doing so takes a lot of magic points. Also, please come with somewhat formal armor equipped.

Speaking of armor, the gift registry is on the official message boards under the thread “Junehopper–Excelsior Wedding Official Gift Registry.” In-game gifts only, please; we don’t want another eBay scandal like the Sandreen–Highskelion Wedding. Don’t be stingy with those plats!

There are two Level 40 guards defending the guild entrance who are controlled by the computer and will respawn if killed. I’m going to ask that everyone try to keep from bringing a train of gnolls or orcs along behind them. The guards will keep us all completely safe and we would like to avoid any unnecessary distractions from the ceremony.

We have also been reading on some message boards that there may be protestors on Server 41. Apparently, some of the other players don’t approve of a marriage between a high elf and a gnome. They’re calling this beautiful act of love an “abomination.” While Server 41 doesn’t allow player-versus-player combat, these protestors are still allowed to voice their opinions in-game. If any of them are clogging up your text window and disrupting the ceremony, please just /ignore them.

The wedding will be performed at 6:00 p.m. (EST) by the Honorable Reverend Rimballi of Questlior. He’s a dwarf who has come all the way from the Razorstone Mountains to be here, so we’re very excited that he’ll be marrying us. As a measure of respect, we’d like to ask any half-orc warriors attending to remove any armor that’s tailored from dwarfskin before they arrive. The ceremony will last about an hour and conclude with the bride and groom placing magical rings enchanted by the Priestess Elevelen into each other’s inventories.

The reception will take place in the sparring yard at 7 o’clock sharp. We’ve asked every guild member who we’ve seen online to refrain from sparring during the party, but we haven’t been able to get into contact with some of them. If anyone pulls out a broadsword and starts hacking away, don’t be alarmed. Nobody loses any experience points in the sparring yard.

As we mentioned, Shi’ae will keep the ale flowing all night, but we’ll have to ask you to refrain from drinking out-of-game. If you’ve been drinking, you may no longer be able to make decisions as rationally; everyone remembers the story about the young man who lost his Level 36 necromancer in the Razorstone Foothills because he started drunkenly auto-attacking everything. Drinking can affect one’s judgment, causing the line between fantasy and reality to blur. Anything resulting from that kind of impairment would just be embarrassing for everybody.

The Imperium Colossi Guild will be allowing all players to enter their zone after 3:00 p.m. on Saturday. Come early and share a heady cup of mead with your friends, and make a toast to the beauty that is the bride and groom’s true love.

Looking forward to your R.S.V.P.!

Adelexia Junehopper and Griffin Excelsior
Lvl 30 High Elf Sorceress and Lvl 31 Gnome Warrior

Jake Christie is a humor writer, novelist, screenwriter, playwright, and all-around good guy. He is a featured writer on the college humor Web site Points in Case and his Web site, which will be titled when inspiration strikes him, has been featured at places like College Humor and Fark. He's probably the most important person on the internet today.