Thursday, February 8, 2007

The Game for Astronauts

  1. Never take no for an answer. When faced with potential competition, especially in a dangerous A.L.T. (Astronaut Love Triangle), the A.F.C. (Average Frustrated Chump) will fold; but the P.U.A. (Pick-Up Artist)—man or woman—will try to annihilate the competition.
  2. THE APPROACH. Let’s say you go down to NASA and you’re sarging, but your wingman is pulling more cats with his string. REMEMBER: do not look desperate and crazy. D.A.C. is the reason A.F.C.s are who they are.
  3. A lot of people use the “Who lies more, men or women?” question as an opener. It’s tried and true but also cliché. “Would you still go out with someone who threatened the life of another human being?” This question will bring the values of the respondent, as well as allow you some wiggle room to share your thoughts. If they are put off by this question, immediately follow up with, “So, what’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?”
  4. If the competition has his/her bitch-shields up, use pepper spray. An N.E.G. is always a good way to open.
  5. One time I went down to the Jet Propulsion Labs with a few P.U.A.s and hung out for a bit talking to some H.B.s (Hot Babes). Later, we went out for drinks with the J.P.L. hotties, but I couldn’t close the deal because I got cockblocked by a P.U.A. from another group. Later, I drove 900 miles to confront him and threaten him with pepper spray and a BB gun. He got the picture real fast.
  6. Every P.U.A. needs to keep some gum or breath mints at all times. Also handy, a steel mallet, a 4-inch folding knife, rubber tubing, $600 in cash, and garbage bags.
  7. If you’re going out sarging with friends and you think it’ll be a long night, one way to get over on the competition is to wear adult diapers. This will mean you’ll never have to wait in line for the bathroom, and you’ll never have to leave the conversation once it’s started.
  8. Just finished winging in Houston this weekend, and a lot of funny shit happened. For fun, sometimes I like to play with my appearance: just go out looking like someone else. One night, I put on a really cool wig and a trenchcoat and sunglasses … feel free to try that out.
  9. You’re not gonna get laid sitting at home and watching the kids. Get out there and make it happen. GOT/MIH!
  10. I’m getting more ass than a thousand-dollar toilet seat, and so can you. You might call me an asstronaut! (Actually, my nickname is Moonraker. Because that’s how I roll!) But don’t forget … you gotta be dedicated, you gotta be passionate, and you gotta do whatever it takes to get the job done and then you’ll really be soaring. You won’t be one of those SOCIAL ROBOTS … you’ll be a real SPACE CADET!

Mick Stingley is a freelance writer. He is single and lives alone in New York City. He and Céline Dion will both be 40 on March 30, 2008.

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