Thursday, February 22, 2007

“Where’s My Weiner(s)?”
The audience is asked to look under their seats for garbage then urged to go to the bathrooms located at both the front and rear exits of the theatre to wash their hands. When they return, Angel creates a diversion by vacuuming the orchestra pit while his assistants arrange a quantity of hot dogs behind a hidden curtain to resemble the Guggenheim Museum in Bilbao. Once Angel returns from a microdermabrasion bath, he pulls the curtain to reveal that the hot dogs have been cleaned up and the surrounding area has been disinfected with carbolic acid, creating the illusion that the weenies were never there. Angel then sets himself ablaze and disappears into a large vat filled with bleach.

“Hot Foot”
After waiting in line to be deloused by a blast of pure lye from a German Panzerschreck, the audience is told that Angel is using a custom bathroom designed by NASA and will be back in a few moments. When the audience towels off and goes to reclaim their shoes with one of those numbered slips of paper that you get in line at the D.P.S. office, a surprised attendant informs the theatregoers that their number is “not a match.” Disgruntled and bemused, the theatregoers trundle back into the performance hall and are drilled with baby powder from a 120-mm antitank gun. When the powder clears, there’s Angel, standing in a hazmat suit in front of a giant burning pyre made up of sundry pairs of shoes. Angel then gives a brief lecture on the dangers that can occur when dermatophytes grow and multiply in the skin.

“House Cleaning”
Onlookers watch in amazement as Angel has an audience member place a crumpled up Snickers wrapper inside his trailer. Just when it seems that Angel will fall over in a fit of psychosis, he manages to produce a lighter and some butane and sets his trailer ablaze. The audience member is then challenged to “find” the wrapper, but in true Angel fashion, the detritus is nowhere to be found amongst the smoldering rubble. Angel then follows an Explosive Ordnance Disposal team around, choreographing the cleanup effort and reciting all diseases that start with the letter “L,” beginning at Labial Herpes and ending at Lymphoma (non-Hodgkin’s) .

A volunteer is escorted on stage and told to stand with his or her head facing magnetic north so the opposing poles don’t cause him/her to have an unexpected bowel movement on stage. As Mendelssohn’s oratorio, St. Paul, blares over the sound system, the mood grows tense and Angel is nowhere to be seen. The audience is told to watch the ceiling. After 45 minutes, nothing happens and when the audience members threaten to sue, they are ushered outside to the sight of Angel, washing their cars with a blowtorch and a pail of soapy napalm. As an encore, it is revealed—through mirrors—that the volunteer escorted on stage at the beginning of the show has become disillusioned and left the facility.

“Now You See It …”
Timm Angel stands completely inert onstage, his enormous shadow projected onto the large stage curtain. An air of majesty permeates the theatre. Silent awe morphs into nonplussed grumbling, as it’s been four hours and there he is up there, still standing. Then, with an ersatz thunderclap, the lights come on to reveal that what the audience has been thinking was Timm Angel is actually just a cardboard cutout of Timm Angel. A large screen then descends from the ceiling revealing a live audio/video feed of Angel inside a hyperbaric chamber somewhere on the outskirts of Zurich, reading a copy of Contract Bidding for the Janitorial Business, Vol. IV. The audience, swept up in the excitement, manufacture makeshift torches out of their playbills and torch the theatre.

Bonus Features and Outtakes:
—Hilarity ensues when Angel is trapped in an elevator with a group of day laborers.
—Extended lecture on dermatophytes presented by Angel to the C.D.C. in Atlanta. From outside the building. On the lawn.
—A tense day during filming sees Angel retreat into his trailer and alphabetize a bowl of Cocoa Puffs.
—Timm’s brother Kriss pays a visit to the show. The brothers laugh and relive old times, until a press conference in which Kriss empties a Port-O-Potty using teleportation onto Timm’s head threatens to drive a wedge between the two.
Timm Angel: Philanthropist (a brief exposé that follows Angel’s dedication to giving money to children who promise not to touch him at the risk of being set on fire).

Tyler Stoddard Smith’s works of fiction, non-fiction and poetry have been featured or are upcoming in The Best American Fantasy Writing, Pindeldyboz, The Bullfight Review, Box Car Poetry Review, Identity Theory, Yankee Pot Roast, Word Riot, Twixt, Monkeybicycle and McSweeney’s, among others. For more info, visit He also edits a political satire Web site,

Theatrical Terms and Trivia A person who whistled in the theater ran the risk of drawing the unwanted attention of the sailor/stagehands, who would sexually assault the whistler and/or rob them for rum money.
Birth Announcement Dear Friends, Jacqueline and I are thrilled to announce the arrival of our son, Elliot Jason Farb--born on October 4th, 1982--eight pounds, ten ounces. Elliot has the distinction of sharing a birthday with greats the likes of Phillip Roth, Israeli...
crapbooking! Gue   which one of my key  i  broken?

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