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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Tuesday, March 13, 2007

A Note from Donald Rumsfeld to Robert Gates on How to Win the Iraq War (After Watching All 92 Episodes of Tranzor Z)

by Tom McGlaughlin

Dear Bob,

Donald Henry Rumsfeld As regards our involvement in Iraq, I think that we could take a page out of the Japanese book. In the free time that retirement affords me, I have been studying secret computer-generated footage of some recent advances that the Japanese military has made towards weaponized robots. And I happy to report that their latest prototype, Tranzor Z, also known as Mazinger Z, looks quite promising.

First of all, Bob, this robot is powerful. It is capable of shock and awe that make what we did initially in Basra look like child’s play. In their battles with Baron Ashura, I have never seen this Tranzor Z bested. Its arsenal is pluriform.

Perhaps you are wondering specifics: try eye-fired laser beams (Koshiryoku Beaamu!), melting rays (Bureesto Fiyaa!), gale-force winds (Ruusto Hurricane!), and Rocket Punch (Roketto Paanchi! ). Not bad, right?

Secondly, there is powerful evidence that the insurgents would never be able to use this weapon, even if they should get their hands on one. That is because its features are activated by special Japanese-language voice commands. Suppose for instance I was talking to you, and wanted to shoot laser beams out of my eyes at you. I would just say, “Koshiryoku Beaamu!” and you would be dust. I can see it now: Bureesto Fiyaa! Ruusto Hurricane! Roketto Paanchi! and all of a sudden, Saadr City is no more.

Thirdly, there is the tantalizing evidence of Aphrodite A, a female “mecha,” or robot, who had the ability to shoot missiles from her breasts. This feature would both defeat and scandalize the enemy. Awesome!

As Secretary of Defense, I suggest you look into a couple of questions that remain in my mind and probably in yours: (1) How much does Transor Z cost? (2) Where could the Department could obtain some of this SuperAlloy Z, the superstrong material out of which Tranzor Z is made? It is rumored to be found in an element at the bottom of Mt. Fuji. See what the Japanese P.M. knows. (3) Kouji, the Japanese pilot of Transor Z, always flew up to Transor Z in a hover craft. See if the Japanese are willing to lend him to us to train our own men.

Finally, I gleaned from these videos that there is an Italian prototype called Ratzinger Z. You might want to find out what the Pope knows.

Yours truly,

Tom McGlaughlin Jr., a librarian from Philadelphia, is the self-proclaimed "slumlord of his own life."