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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Monday, March 12, 2007

Ad Script for Masterpiece Theatre: The Game First-Person Shooter for the Xbox 360

Masterpiece Theatre: The GameGRAPHIC: Fly-over of game’s 3D-rendered British countryside. Hills give way to valleys, rivers to glens. View settles on bustling 18th-century English town. Townsfolk walk and mingle. Slow zoom.

VOICEOVER: A village schoolmistress torn between two loves. A blacksmith’s apprentice with dreams of entering the university. An aging French king who needs an heir—but lacks a wife. A London war orphan with nothing but her wits and a winning smile. A lonesome bailiff in the Drury courthouse. A reclusive widow with a heart of gold.

[Rock guitar riff.]

VOICEOVER: Time to take out the trash.

[Propulsive rock guitar.]

VOICEOVER: You’re a soldier from the future trapped in a quaint world you don’t understand. There’s only way out: Kill.

GAMEPLAY OUTTAKE: Blacksmith’s APPRENTICE flees behind wheelbarrow, screaming, “’Tis the Dark Prince himself, I tell thee!” PLAYER shoots APPRENTICE with SINGULARITY BLASTER, leaving blood-stained crater.

GAMEPLAY OUTTAKE: Lonesome BAILIFF tells PLAYER, “Kindest sir, your curious garb would lead me to believe you’re a stranger to our serene hamlet. Might I inquire your business here?” PLAYER turns BAILIFF into pile of radioactive ash with NUCLEAR FLAMETHROWER.

GAMEPLAY OUTTAKE: London war ORPHAN tells PLAYER, “So I figure, on balance, nickin’ a stranger’s pockets for a few quid isn’t all bad if it helps an urchin like me get a meal, see?” PLAYER fatally electrocutes ORPHAN with shot from chainsaw-mounted XQ7000 BOLTGUN.

VOICEOVER: Masterpiece Theatre: The Game. Dozens of weapons. Hundreds of enemies. Co-op play on Xbox Live. You’ll need the help—for the toughest boss battles ever.

GAMEPLAY OUTTAKE: Wrapped in a quilt, reclusive WIDOW chuckles as she reminisces before a crackling hearth. “But don’t let this aged frame fool you, my boy. In my day I was the most incorrigible flirt of Holborn. Why, my scandalized mother would often say I’d have rightly been a courtesan in another age …” PLAYER annihilates WIDOW with close-range blast from CHEMOTRON ANTIMATTER GUN.

GAMEPLAY OUTTAKE: Aging French KING stands before a jewel-encrusted mirror, soliloquizing. “And yet my regency must cede to another, invisible ruler—loneliness, whose dark shadow touches my heart with a chill no fire can dispel … ” PLAYER fires SPEARGUN, reels in struggling KING; PLAYER decapitates KING with VIBRO-SWORD.

VOICEOVER: Masterpiece Theatre: The Game. Who said the classics can’t be fun?

GAMEPLAY OUTTAKE: Village SCHOOLMISTRESS confides to PLAYER: “Indeed, Mr. Colton is a queer fellow, yet he’s a kind, gentle man, and my only prospect thus far for the Michaelmas dance. Unless you don’t think it terribly untoward of me to inquire whether you yourself are engaged this Saturday evening, Mr. … ?” PLAYER obliterates SCHOOLMISTRESS with single shot from PLASMA CANNON. White explosion engulfs screen.

VOICEOVER: Masterpiece Theatre: The Game. Save the drama for your mama—and keep your finger on the trigger.

[Rock guitar riff.]


[XBOX 360 LOGO.]


Andrew Kiraly was born and raised in Las Vegas, and he's still recovering. He is managing editor of alt-weekly Las Vegas CityLife.