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The Secret Keyboard Shortcuts of Tuesdays with Morrie Author Mitch Albom

by Andrew Kiraly

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Polish Fact

Public Holidays in Poland
January 1 (New Year's Day) -- Nowy Rok (Nowy Rok)
Easter Sunday -- pierwszy dzień Wielkiej Nocy (Niedziela Wielkanocna)
Easter Monday -- drugi dzień Wielkiej Nocy (Poniedziałek Wielkanocny)
May 1 (State Holiday) -- Święto Państwowe (Święto Pracy)
May 3 (Constitution Day) -- Święto Narodowe Trzeciego Maja (Święto Konstytucji Trzeciego Maja)
Pentecost Sunday -- pierwszy dzień Zielonych Świątek (Zielone Świątki)
Corpus Christi -- dzień Bożego Ciała (Boże Ciało)
August 15 (Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary) -- Wniebowzięcie Najświętszej (Maryi Panny)
November 1 (All Saints' Day) -- Wszystkich Świętych
November 11 (Independence Day) -- Narodowe Święto Niepodległości (Dzień Niepodległości)
December 25 (1st day of Christmas)-- pierwszy dzień Bożego Narodzenia
December 26 (2nd day of Christmas) -- drugi dzień Bożego Narodzenia

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Habla Español!
Los talentos de Andy Richter se pierden totalmente en "Quintuplets."
Andy Richter's talents are completely wasted on "Quintuplets."

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Literary Humdinger
Thursday, April 12, 2007   |    Fiction

Bastards of the Universe

by Dale Dobson

Shown briefly by Mattel at the 1988 International Toy Fair, this last-gasp line of Masters of the Universe action figures was almost immediately withdrawn from the market.

Evil Master of Cholesterol!
With his Smorgasbord of Fatty Snacks, he encourages the gradual accumulation of arterial plaques that may stop He-Man in his tracks, eventually, especially if he were to abandon his daily regimen of strenuous exercise.

Morally Flexible Mistress of the Crack-Whore Dimension!
You know something weird? She used to be really close with Teela and She-Ra in high school. Choices, man.

Heroic Master of Nothing!
Tiny newborn infant warrior cries, urinates, defecates, contributes little of value to He-Man’s heroic adventures. Included full-color comic suggests various means of leaving Placentor where he might accidentally be kidnapped by Skeletor, rolled over by Rokkon, or eaten by Beast-Man.

Heroic Master/Mistress of Disguise!
Boosts team morale with his fabulous Tribute to Carol Channing act, every Wednesday at the Castle Grayskull Luau Lounge. Secretly sleeping with Prince Adam, much to He-Man’s bewilderment and frustration as his T-cell count mysteriously continues to drop.

Heroic Old Fart!
Effete, bearded, aging chivalric warrior pronounces floridly upon the mighty deeds of He-Man and his friends ad nauseam. In rhyme. WARNING: Do not press “Try Me” button.

Evil Master of the Red Light Zone!
Seeks to use his Biyatch Army to disable He-Man and friends with running genital sores, and make some monAY at the same time, yo.

Heroic Zen Master of Weed!
Stonedar’s advice-dispensing cousin is, like, deeply in tune with the Universe, even though his Citadel of Wisdom is just a closet in his mom’s basement. Comes with High-Hookah grappling water pipe.

Evil Master of Cockmastery!
Robotic hybrid of Mekaneck and Extendar gets all the fine women.

Heroic Master of Mystical Overeating!
In theory, more useful and less smelly than Placentor. But it’s a close call.

Evil Master of Bullshit!
Claims to be an illegitimate son of King Randor and heir to the throne, based on a secret code embedded within a cryptic painting rendered as an obscene tattoo on his hairy ass. Also claims code can only be examined and deciphered by Teela and a thin layer of cocoa butter.

Evil Master of the Money Shot!
Genetically engineered offspring of borderline-pornoriffic M.O.T.U. characters Clamp Champ and Snout Spout, with unique powers best left to the imagination.

Market-Driven Master of Commerce!
Armed with Sales-Spreadsheet, Briefcase, and Focus-Grouper, impeccably-tailored Boss-Man controls the destinies of He-Man, Skeletor and all of Eternia! Will he give them another year of precious retail promotion? Or decide that the kids are finally done with this He-Man shit?

Dale Dobson writes, animates, and acts in the metropolitan Detroit area, and occasionally gets around to updating