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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Monday, April 2, 2007

The Secret Keyboard Shortcuts of Tuesdays with Morrie Author Mitch Albom

The Secret Keyboard Shortcuts of Mitch AlbomCtrl-A: Generates random touching anecdote told by lovable old mensch in the cluttered storeroom of his candy shop on 34th and Kasser that illustrates the importance of living in the moment

Ctrl-E: Generates random heartwarming anecdote told by eccentric, terminally ill aunt at family reunion in Flint, Michigan, that narrator was originally reluctant to attend, but is now glad he did, because he’s been reminded of the simple power of human love

Ctrl-F: Generates death of random relative, an event by which narrator is forced to reassess his superficial values

Ctrl-V: Pastes sentence: “And that’s when everything changed forever.”

Alt-V: Pastes sentence: “He would never be the same again.”

Ctrl-Alt-V: Pastes sentence: “But all endings are really beginnings.”

Ctrl-Alt-Shift-V: Pastes sentence: “But sometimes pain is a sign we’re growing as human beings.”

Ctrl-Alt-Shift-Tab-V: Pastes sentence: “And then it all became crystal clear to him.”

Alt-H: Renders highlighted passage in veil of gentle yet poignant humor

Ctrl-Shift-M: Imbues highlighted passage with moral certainty

F5: Earnestness checker

Ctrl- +: increases pathos

Ctrl- -: decreases pathos

Ctrl-L: Converts document into Lifetime Network made-for-TV movie script

Ctrl-G: Distills moral lesson of document into three wise but deeply felt lines for use in Albom Industries subsidiary Just Thinking of You™ greeting card line.

Ctrl-Alt-C: Censors inner critic wondering if all this sentimentality isn’t getting just a little bit grating

Ctrl-Shift-C: Censors inner critic wondering if a little hangnail-chewing existential doubt wouldn’t kill you for once

Ctrl-Alt-Shift-C: Censors inner critic urging you to heed the deeper voice within and write a passage in which narrator briefly palpates the Supreme Void and leaps back with a convulsive yelp, strangely savoring the vileness of his own terror and his cowardice, cackling with rueful pleasure at the sound faith makes as it buckles like black ice in a frozen mire to reveal at last in all its stately horror the unending question that neither forgives delusion nor rewards inquiry, the question that defies all hope and all desperate human calculation, at last, the darkness unveiled, the Shroud Unknowable, the Conquering Abyss—

Ctrl-O: Books appearance on “Oprah” to promote next book

Andrew Kiraly was born and raised in Las Vegas, and he's still recovering. He is managing editor of alt-weekly Las Vegas CityLife.