Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Shown briefly by Mattel at the 1988 International Toy Fair, this last-gasp line of Masters of the Universe action figures was almost immediately withdrawn from the market.

Bastards of the Universe

Evil Master of Cholesterol!
With his Smorgasbord of Fatty Snacks, he encourages the gradual accumulation of arterial plaques that may stop He-Man in his tracks, eventually, especially if he were to abandon his daily regimen of strenuous exercise.

Morally Flexible Mistress of the Crack-Whore Dimension!
You know something weird? She used to be really close with Teela and She-Ra in high school. Choices, man.

Heroic Master of Nothing!
Tiny newborn infant warrior cries, urinates, defecates, contributes little of value to He-Man’s heroic adventures. Included full-color comic suggests various means of leaving Placentor where he might accidentally be kidnapped by Skeletor, rolled over by Rokkon, or eaten by Beast-Man.

Heroic Master/Mistress of Disguise!
Boosts team morale with his fabulous Tribute to Carol Channing act, every Wednesday at the Castle Grayskull Luau Lounge. Secretly sleeping with Prince Adam, much to He-Man’s bewilderment and frustration as his T-cell count mysteriously continues to drop.

Heroic Old Fart!
Effete, bearded, aging chivalric warrior pronounces floridly upon the mighty deeds of He-Man and his friends ad nauseam. In rhyme. WARNING: Do not press “Try Me” button.

Evil Master of the Red Light Zone!
Seeks to use his Biyatch Army to disable He-Man and friends with running genital sores, and make some monAY at the same time, yo.

Heroic Zen Master of Weed!
Stonedar’s advice-dispensing cousin is, like, deeply in tune with the Universe, even though his Citadel of Wisdom is just a closet in his mom’s basement. Comes with High-Hookah grappling water pipe.

Evil Master of Cockmastery!
Robotic hybrid of Mekaneck and Extendar gets all the fine women.

Heroic Master of Mystical Overeating!
In theory, more useful and less smelly than Placentor. But it’s a close call.

Evil Master of Bullshit!
Claims to be an illegitimate son of King Randor and heir to the throne, based on a secret code embedded within a cryptic painting rendered as an obscene tattoo on his hairy ass. Also claims code can only be examined and deciphered by Teela and a thin layer of cocoa butter.

Evil Master of the Money Shot!
Genetically engineered offspring of borderline-pornoriffic M.O.T.U. characters Clamp Champ and Snout Spout, with unique powers best left to the imagination.

Market-Driven Master of Commerce!
Armed with Sales-Spreadsheet, Briefcase, and Focus-Grouper, impeccably-tailored Boss-Man controls the destinies of He-Man, Skeletor and all of Eternia! Will he give them another year of precious retail promotion? Or decide that the kids are finally done with this He-Man shit?

A Letter from Survivor Producer Mark Burnett to the Networks on Bringing History Back to Life My idea to racially segregate the teams on the recent season of Survivor: Cook Islands was a success. It scored great ratings and made Survivor a hot topic once again. The controversy surrounding it paid off, as controversy usually does in this business of television. Inspired, I have come up with the idea of using other shameful practices and periods of the past to update several popular reality shows.
Vonnegut's Asshole
R.I.P., K.V. Jr. Yankee Pot Roast rewinds to the fall of 2005, when the Y.P.R. Book Club skimmed and parodied the complete works of everybody's favorite crotchety old curmudgeon, Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
The Secret Keyboard Shortcuts of Tuesdays with Morrie Author Mitch Albom F5: Earnestness checker
Ctrl- +: increases pathos
Ctrl- -: decreases pathos
Alt-H: Renders highlighted passage in veil of gentle yet poignant humor ...

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