Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Ways in Which Tom Cruise Is Like Jesus Christ

  1. Stereotypically Semitic facial features.
  2. Low body fat.
  3. Great with fans.
  4. Has ambiguous, controversial relations with women.
  5. Reads from right to left (Tom is dyslexic; Jesus is Hebrew.)
  6. “Cruise” and “Christ”, each six-lettered surnames, attain the status of knighthood when considered anagrammatically: “Sir Cue,” “Sir THC”. Furthermore, each knight’s respective anagram reflects aspects of his life’s role: Christ, or Sir THC, much like the active ingredient in marijuana, offered an altered mystical reality for millions, and caused many of his advocates to run afoul of local government officials. Cruise, or Sir Cue, an actor, a living puppet, “springs to action” when ordered to do so by directors, Scientology leaders, and certain “tops,” but not so much when bossed around by his publicist sister.
  7. Abandoned by his father (in Jesus’ case, twice!), and grew up in poverty because his mother couldn’t collect child support

Ways in Which Jesus Is Like Tom Cruise

  1. Real name was Jesus Joseph Mapother of Bethlehem IV.
  2. Is believed to be, at least semi-biologically, of alien origin.
  3. For a short time in his twenties when he was between rabbinical schools and “kind of lost,” Jesus followed the teachings of one El Rhan Chbor.

One Difference

  1. When Satan in the desert offered him the world on a platter, Tom Cruise apparently took the bait.
Matt Evans works in Utah and lives with Brooklyn, who is pregnant and due in October. Matt’s work has appeared in The Morning News and Opium Magazine. You can contact him at mevans@fiber.net.

Bastards of the Universe Shown briefly by Mattel at the 1988 International Toy Fair, this last-gasp line of Masters of the Universe action figures was almost immediately withdrawn from the market.
A Letter from Survivor Producer Mark Burnett to the Networks on Bringing History Back to Life My idea to racially segregate the teams on the recent season of Survivor: Cook Islands was a success. It scored great ratings and made Survivor a hot topic once again. The controversy surrounding it paid off, as controversy usually does in this business of television. Inspired, I have come up with the idea of using other shameful practices and periods of the past to update several popular reality shows.
Vonnegut's Asshole
R.I.P., K.V. Jr. Yankee Pot Roast rewinds to the fall of 2005, when the Y.P.R. Book Club skimmed and parodied the complete works of everybody's favorite crotchety old curmudgeon, Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

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