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Y.P.R. & Co.

The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Tuesday, June 26, 2007

The Children's Last Best Hope

Dear School Administrator,

It can be difficult to be at the helm of an underperforming school. Undoubtedly, you argue that your students are “good” kids. Unfortunately, the numbers do not support you. You need to get your test scores up or your funding will be cut, but unless a Utopian community of intellectuals and their scholarly children decide to settle in your district’s current landscape of despair and ignorance, it will not likely happen.

Not without our help, anyway!

We are pleased to inform you about our brand new Science Center for Kids! The kids’ faces will light up with the wonder of science, and you’ll marvel at how they perform at grade level expectations once they’ve had a “hands on” experience with science. We provide you with a fun, educational field trip at a fraction of the cost of other, uppity museums. When building our Science Center, we didn’t waste money courting the participation of big names in the fields of science and education, and we pass the savings on to you. All the numbers and words those people like to cram into exhibits would just make your children feel inferior and angry, anyway.

You have the opportunity to open their eyes to the wonders of the natural world and the computers that keep it under control. Contact our offices to set up a field trip today. These are just a few of our top attractions!

Inside the Human Body — After special mealtimes, children can put their ears up to the stomach of security guard Tim Wolle and listen to the gastronomic system at work!
Animal Kingdom — Since the dawn of time, man has been awed by the mysterious dog. Is it barking at nothing or at strange beings from another dimension that human eyes cannot behold? You decide!
The Technology of Tomorrow — Wouldn’t you love to enter the exciting, high-paying field of computer programming? Take your first steps towards your goal with us. Children can play our classic arcade version of Tron: The Arcade Game. And don’t worry, we have it set on “Free Play Mode.”
The Glamorous World of Physics — Look through the Plexiglas window in our clothes dryer and see socks and T-shirts move around like electrons, or quarks, or something. Go dryer, Go!

So, come on, book our facility today. Insert a ray of light into your children’s otherwise bleak future!

Yours in education,
Jimmy King
President and C.E.O. of King Education and Bail Bonds, Inc.

Federico Garduño is a comedian and writer who lives in Manhattan. For proof that he can use a Web template, please see