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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Indiana Jones IV: Four Scenarios

by Laurence Hughes

“Shia LaBeouf … has signed to co-star alongside Harrison Ford in the fourth Indiana Jones movie … Online fans are guessing Indiana Jones will have a son for this go-round, but LaBeouf says he can’t confirm such plot points.” —USA Today

Indiana JonesIndiana Jones and the Jesus Family Tomb
In Jerusalem, Indy (Harrison Ford) and his father, Prof. Henry Jones (Sir Sean Connery), locate the tomb that holds the earthly remains of Jesus and His wife, Mary Magdalene. Once inside, they find convincing evidence that Christ sired a son. Soon afterward, Indy finds convincing evidence that he also sired a son when the boy (Shia LaBeouf) shows up at his door. Indy’s father dotes on his grandson, showering him with all the love and attention he withheld from Indy growing up. In an apparent attempt at rapprochement, Indy invites his father to accompany him to South America to visit the crypt from the opening scene of Raiders of the Lost Ark. There he laughs his ass off watching the old man try to outrun a giant 50-ton stone ball.

Indiana Jones and the Thirty Pieces of Silver
Clues hidden in the apocryphal Gospel of Judas send a teenaged Indy (Shia LaBeouf) in search of the legendary thirty pieces of silver, which, adjusting for inflation, are now worth $190 billion. His journey takes him from the comfort of his room all the way to the downstairs parlor, where he looks under the cushions of a settee belonging to his father, Prof. Henry Jones (Sean Connery). He has often found loose change there before, but this time he comes up empty. Years later, the adult Indy (Harrison Ford) discovers that his friend Sallah (John Rhys-Davies) got there first and used the ancient coins to start a hedge fund. In keeping with the legend that “he who has the thirty pieces of silver is doomed to betray his closest friend,” Sallah refuses to let Indy buy in.

Indiana Jones and the Gnostic Gospel
Indy (Harrison Ford) learns of a 2000-year-old text that claims Jesus wasn’t a carpenter at all, just a guy who did home improvement projects on weekends. He and his father, Prof. Henry Jones (Sean Connery), try to locate the sacred scroll before it falls into the hands of young Bernie Marcus (Shia LaBeouf), founder of Home Depot, who plans to use its mystical powers to take over the world. In the end, Indy and his father fail and Home Depot does, in fact, take over the world.

Indiana Jones IV
Indy (Harrison Ford) goes to some remote and dangerous location looking for some kind of religious artifact or something and gets into all kinds of stressful life-threatening situations. “I’m too old for this shit,” he says, and he’s right. After collapsing from exhaustion and dehydration, he’s taken to the hospital, where a young doctor (Shia LaBeouf) hooks him up to the IV of the title.

Laurence Hughes leads a double life: By day is a high-powered executive at a major publishing company; at night he gets tired and goes to bed around nine. His writing has appeared, as if by magic, in The New York Times, Publishers Weekly, The Author, The Science Creative Quarterly,, and McSweeney's Internet Tendency, as well as the anthology Mountain Man Dance Moves.