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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Friday, June 15, 2007

Notes for Jane Austen's Helter Skelter

Jane Austen's Helter SkelterChapter I — The events must be universally acknowledged. A young man has taken Spahn Ranch.

Chapter II — Sharon Tate’s neighbors surprise the L.A.P.D. by making a call.

Chapter III — Officers DeRosa and Whisenhunt answer the call. Multiple stab wounds. Officer Burbridge arrives. Pools of blood on the manicured lawn.

Chapter IV — The officers explore the manse. “PIG” scrawled on the front door in blood.

Chapter V — My God! A young, blonde, pregnant woman dead and smeared with blood. Mr Garretson, the caretaker, is arrested under suspicion.

Chapter VI — Someone thinks Miss Tate was too unguarded with her security. Violence against polite society is entirely a matter of chance, and at Spahn Ranch every savage can wield a machete.

Chapter VII — Mr Manson thinks all of his followers are very silly. Miss Fromme gets an invitation to Spahn; she must travel by bus. Love! Charlie is love.

Chapter VIII — They were exhausted by the exercise. Mr LaBianca in his pajamas with “WAR” carved into his stomach. It is amazing how young ladies can have the strength to be so very murderous.


Chapter X — The L.A.P.D. and L.A. Sheriff’s Office exhibit a failure to communicate. To yield readily to the persuasion of a friend has great merit with Charlie. Shall we have an orgy? Helter Skelter’s coming down.

Chapter XI — Mr Polanski is very upset with the media. She took no drugs at all, except for pot, and not too much of that. Mr Manson is not to be laughed at! That is an uncommon advantage. Insanity and pride.

Chapter XII — Miss Folger has inherited great wealth from the coffee trade. Mr Frykowski entirely too dependent on drugs. Twenty-eight stab wounds. Two gunshot wounds, thirteen blows to the head and fifty-one stab wounds.

Chapter XIII — A dark side to Mr Sebring’s exuberant sex life. Bondage and whips. A gunshot wound and seven stab wounds.

Chapter XIV — “Roman Polanski and friends of the Polanski family offer to pay a $25,000 reward to the person or persons who furnish information leading to the arrest and conviction of the murderer or murderers of Sharon Tate, her unborn child, and the other four victims.”

Chapter XV — They were not sensible detectives. A rare .22 caliber revolver is discovered, but filed away and forgotten. Mr Polanski is not pleased. Charles Manson is suspected.

Chapter XVI — A young woman talks of Spahn Ranch and its residents, whose behavior has been scandalous. A mystery surrounding the death of Mr Hinman comes to light.

Chapter XVII — Miss Atkins is a notable nut case. She tells Virginia that her lover Charlie is Jesus Christ and he is to lead her to a hole in the earth in Death Valley where a civilization exists down there.

Chapter XVIII — “Because we wanted to do a crime that would shock the world, that the world would have to stand up and take notice.” I dare say you will find him very disagreeable. Mr Watson and Squeaky take their turn in the spotlight.

Chapter XIX — Such a whirlwind! No time to squash their eyes on the walls or mutilate all of their fingers or cut Sharon’s baby out of her stomach.

Chapter XX — A list of targets. Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor, Frank Sinatra, Steve McQueen and Tom Jones. Shock the world indeed! Sinatra to be skinned alive while listening to his own music, with the skin fashioned into purses to be sold in hippie shops.

Chapter XXI — Mr DeCarlo appears absent from the proceedings. Confessions abound but are not taken seriously by most.

Chapter XXII — Charlie is completely insane! A revelation strikes the L.A.P.D. Arrests are made. Charlie’s ladies are quite distressed.

Chapter XXIII — News of the arrests spreads through Beverly Hills and Los Angeles. Mr Bugliosi is the prosecutor, but not handsome enough to tempt. The Manson party is sent away for a long, long time.

Dale Dobson writes, animates, and acts in the metropolitan Detroit area, and occasionally gets around to updating