Friday, June 1, 2007

Unwanted Ads

Adorable ragdoll kittens. We don’t want any. Ever.

Are you hot? Sexy women, 18+, not needed by production company shooting dull crafting videos for export. If you’ve got what it takes and you’ll do anything to make it, please reevaluate your life.

The Abandoned Pony Rehabilitation Society is not looking for volunteers. Seriously, we’re up to our necks in gushy tweenaged girls who’ll gladly muck out a whole stable for the chance to braid a few manes. New applicants will, in all likelihood, be trampled.

Recently divorced white female, 33, wants nothing to do with jealous man-boy, 30-40, who collects beer posters. I like cooking, dancing, and long walks on the beach, not that it’s any of your damned business. By the way, if I actually run into you on the beach, I’ll taser the crap out of you and leave you to die when the tide comes in.

Are you a handyman with references, a reliable vehicle, and your own tools? Good for you. Now stop bothering me about my run-down Victorian home. I’m replacing the balusters as fast as I can, and I’m taking a masonry course on the side. So just frig off, O.K.?

Young couple not looking for one bedroom apartment downtown. Why would we? Our rich parents have already bought us a four bedroom house in the suburbs. It even has a tennis court out back. But the best part is, we’re not even planning on kids. In fact, we’re going to fill one entire bedroom with bubble wrap just for the hell of it. Suck it, renters.

Local D&D groups not looking for new members. Nothing personal, but we’ve been playing together for, like, 15 years and new faces would just make us uncomfortable, and you wouldn’t get any of our inside jokes, anyway. It’s O.K., we’ve come to terms with our lives.

Looking to sell your DVDs? Well, they’re useless to me. I’m Amish. What’s a DVD, anyway? Never mind, it’s surely wicked.

Need no tickets to Green Day. Face it, they were grossly overrated to start with, and they’ve only gone downhill since Kerplunk! The duet with U2 just made it official.

Subjects not needed for human trial of new heart drug. We already tested it on hobos and it wasn’t pretty. If still interested, please read ad again or have someone read it to you.

Mike Richardson-Bryan used to be a lawyer, but he’s all better now. No, really. His work has also appeared on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, in the pages of Cracked, Stitches, and The Wittenburg Door, and recently appeared in The Best American Nonrequired Reading 2007. He lives in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada with one wife and two dogs.

Rejected Titles for Beyoncé's New Album, Inspired by Today® Contraceptive Sponge FAQs and the "Bubblestand" Episode of SpongeBob SquarePants Nulliparous
Pelvic Woo
Natural Vaginal Tissue
Bring-It-Around-Town ...
When Presidents Dream I’m standing in the Rose Garden. It’s 1980 and I’m pinning medals on the chests of the soldiers who pulled off the successful rescue of the Iran hostages. My popularity rating has soared to the mid-70s and it looks like the Republicans are basically conceding ...
When I Am King, Reality TV Will Show Some Backbone Bayern Chef After an intense screening process of over half a dozen hopefuls, my old boss, Mr. Landry, is chosen to travel to Bavaria to woo the likes of Heidi Klum. If their date goes well, they will be married...

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