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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Deleted Tales from Heinrich Hoffman's 1845 Der Struwwelpeter

by Greg White

Der StruwwelpeterThe Story of Little Sleeps-a-Lot
A young boy, Johan, catches cholera and develops the unseemly habit of sleeping throughout much of the day. He is labeled as a naughty boy. Despite numerous warnings from his industrious parents, Johan slips even further into a coma and refuses to wake up. In order to set an example for their unborn children, Johan’s parents burn him alive.

The Story of Debbie-Who-Loves-Milch
Little Debbie loves to drink milk. One day while drinking milk, she spills on the floor. Her father scolds her while changing into a milkman costume. He mumbles something about going out for a pack of cigarettes before stepping out. Moments later, the Nasty Mean Dairyman dashes into the house and pokes Little Debbie’s eyes out with his branding iron. Debbie spends her final days in darkness before succumbing to an ocular infection.

The Story of Klaus-Wants-a-Dog
Little Klaus and his family live far above the town. Klaus is very lonesome. One day Klaus asks his parents if they will buy him a pooch so that he may have a friend. They begrudgingly agree. They purchase the dog later that week, but in order to teach Klaus a vague lesson, they make Klaus stay in a cage and allow the dog to wander freely. At meal times the dog sits at Klaus’ spot while Klaus is fed marrow. Although severely allergic to marrow, Klaus soon develops an addiction and suffocates during supper one night. His dog is later put down for biting the radio.

The Dubious Tale of Wretched Samantha
A little girl asks her parents for a blanket. She is swiftly shot in the head, point blank.

The Story of Little-Suck-a-Thumb Part II
It has been years since Little-Suck-a-Thumb lost his thumbs to the Great Tall Tailor. A thumbless, social outcast, Suck-a-Thumb spends his days alone in the darkened movie houses watching the classics. He grows up to become an expert on film. One day Roger Ebert calls him and asks if he would like to replace Roeper. Suck-a-Thumb is overjoyed. On his first day of work, the opening day of the Cannes Film Festival, Ebert asks Little Suck-a-Thumb, in front of a large audience, what he thought of the film they had just seen, a hip-hop retelling of Moby Dick. Suck-a-Thumb says he hated it and to emphasize his point, he attempts to give two thumbs down. When the audience realizes he has no thumbs they mock him and call him bad names in French and Swiss German. He ends up taking a job in a rarely visited library.

The story of Tiny-Falls-on-the-Ground
Tiny Kristofer enjoys having a run. Oh, he does! One afternoon he is prancing at the outskirts of the village when he trips and falls. He begins to cry and wail and he has indeed turned quite bloody. A man from town walks by and begins asking Kristofer a series of detailed questions relating to the St. Bartholomew’s Day massacre of 1572. Kristofer answers all but one of the man’s queries (it was in regards to Admiral Cligney’s sexual habits). The man is now late for a very important meeting, and so, as a punishment, the man makes Kristofer carry him back to town. Kristofer makes record time, but dies twenty meters from the Doctor’s house.

The tale of Little-Behaves-Quite-Well
Jan enjoys playing outside with his friends and performing magic tricks for the elderly. One day his parents beat him severely for being “roestiche,” a word that has no English translation, and no definition in German. Confused, Jan decides to change his ways. He begins cataloging all manner of tall grasses and suckling on doorknobs. He spends most of his days in isolation, touching a piece of stale bread. His parents praise him for his full recovery. Jan is now an exemplary child! One day, without warning, Jan fills his pockets with stones and walks into the ocean.

Greg White is a writer of sorts. He also contributes monologue quips for The Late Show with David Letterman. He plays far too much golf, a habit which gets in the way of his screenwriting and reading of comic books. He would love to watch this "Late Show," but his parents won't allow him to support Chinese television. Unfortunately for Greg, his parents don't make the rules, they they just enforce them with a pet bear.