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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Monday, August 13, 2007

Comments on Last Night's Orgy

From: Hank Harris
To: Orgy Mailing List
Subject: Comments on last night’s orgy, upcoming potluck

Hello, everybody! Chuck set up this handy e-mail list for getting in touch with everyone—let me know if anyone’s been left out so we can toss them on.

Great orgy last night, guys. Really—give yourselves a pat on the back. Everyone looked great out there, grunting like pigs in heat on my couches, ottomans, and floor, but the night was also slightly marred by a handful of minor orgy no-nos that I’d like to bring to everyone’s attention. We’re not trying to embarrass anyone here, but by shining a light on these indiscretions we can hopefully avoid such incidents in the future, which, as you can imagine, will result in a smoother and more enjoyable orgy for everyone. And who doesn’t want that, right?

First of all, when we agree on a time, it’s really important that everyone try to be as punctual as possible. Again, we’re not pointing any fingers here, but when most of the group is already partially nude and engaged in some light oral or manual stimulation, the sound of the doorbell buzzer can be downright unnerving. Latecomers will be admitted, but please try your hardest to make it on time. If tardiness cannot be avoided, I would encourage you to disrobe and try to slip into the mix subtly, rather than announcing your entrance with lewd phrases like “Who’s ready to get nastay?” or “The fuckmaster has arrived!” The former is irrelevant (everyone is already getting “nastay”; you’re the one who’s late, remember?) and the latter is simply uncomely.

Assuming you’ve arrived on time (and again: please try your best to be punctual!), you will soon find yourself in a pile of writhing flesh. Good for you! This is what you came here for, isn’t it? It’s time to get out there and show everyone what you’ve got, but although it may look like an anarchic sea of hedonistic impulses, there are some general rules of propriety that we like to advise all of our guests to follow. For starters, while we’re sure that you are quite adept at the physical act of intercourse, yelling things like “Check out my style!” to nobody in particular is probably not the best way to get people to notice. A bit of braggadocio is welcome, even encouraged, but yelling “booyah” or licking your finger and making sizzling sounds while touching your own backside is not on our list of acceptable ways of expressing it.

Also, air-thrusting before the party starts, while waiting in line for the bathroom, or while walking to your car at the end of the night is not necessary. This should be obvious.

One last note regarding climaxing: while we encourage everyone involved to express themselves, making explosion sounds or yelling “whammo” while climaxing is completely unacceptable. Natural guttural sounds can get the point across just fine without souring the experience for those around you.

Again, I’d like to thank everyone for coming out last night and stress that a great time was, for the most part, had by all. Next Sunday is our annual August potluck—feel free to R.S.V.P. by responding to this e-mail! Hope to see you all there!

Hank “The Shank” Harris, Orgymaster

Ross Wolinsky blogs at Hypocritical Mass and is currently considering getting a tattoo of a giant keytar bursting forth from the depths of the ocean.