Pots and Pans
In which I spend one (1) calendar year getting high smoking pot and going to movies and writing about it. Because people are so uptight there’s always someone in the theater yelling, “There’s no smoking in here!” or “Are you smoking marijuana?” I tend to get belligerent and either I walk out or end up hating the movie as my experience (and high) is downed. Hence the “pans.” I told the editors at Atlantic to imagine Frank Bruni eating Russell Stover at Max Brenner and then writing about it. They were all over that.

House Boy
I move into the Playboy Mansion for one (1) year. I didn’t even bother doing a market-analysis for this, as it’s a no-brainer. My original working title was Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer, but I guess that was taken.

Ants on a Tree
I go wander around China for one (1) year and eat in all of the different provinces. Anthony Bourdain is pretty much doing this, but that’s in the market-analysis. I just want go to Shanghai and if I can find a way to subsidize it, well that’s awesome. (And of course I’ll need a guide who looks like Gong Li in Curse of the Golden Flower.) Also, I will spend part of the book learning about the etymology of names for traditional Chinese dishes, stuff you can’t find on Wikipedia. I never actually tried “Ants on a Tree” because it just doesn’t sound all that appetizing; but, you know, there’s the conflict right there. Hello, Oprah! (Alternate title: Shanghai Surprise!)

Haze of Wine N’ Roses
I go to the French and Italian Riveria and drink wine and listen to Guns N’ Roses for one (1) year. Sort of Kevin Zraly meets Beppe Severgnini at the crossroads of Chuck Klosterman and Samantha Brown but less cloying and institutional and with way, way more drinking and partying with rock and roll and tons and tons of hot naked chicks. Sample Chapter titles: “Cap D’Antibe pour la Destruction”; “Employez Votre Illusion dans Villefranche-sur-mer”; “Bambino dolce di Portofino di mine” etc., etc.