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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Friday, September 14, 2007

The 1970s Joy of Sex Beard Guy Writes His Online Dating Profile

Joy of Sex Beard GuyLogin: goodlovin72
Tagline: “Embrace Your Sexuality, Baby”
Name: Derek Sebastiano
Age: Ain’t nothing but a number, woman
Location: The Celestial Plane of Ecstasy
Status: Consensual polyamorous relationship
Hobbies: Beard care, sensual oil body massage, yoga, shopping for robes

If I could be anywhere right now…
With you on the waterbed in the back of my van, parked on the beach with the gentle thrashing of the tide mixing with Barry White from my 8-track while I delicately pour candle wax on your backside.

Favorite books:
The Kama Sutra, and anything by Carlos Castenada

A little about me:
An air sign with an aura of aquamarine. Often found in my mountaintop cabin, a warm fire and a uncorked bottle of homebrewed lager beside me, a skylight dappled with starlight above me, and a bearskin rug with velvet pillows beneath my bare buns. Care to join me for a nightcap?

When you enter my room you’ll see:
A hand-painted mandala of the sexual chakra, a red lava lamp, quartz crystals, oils and candles as needed, and the sweet aroma of sandalwood. And perhaps, if you’re lucky, you’ll witness the erotic poses of passionate lovemaking. Feel free to join, or just watch the show, but audience participation is encouraged.

Joy of Sex Beard GuyA little about what I’m looking for:
A liberated woman with a fiery soul bubbling a cauldron of sweet molten chocolate to produce our love fondue. Hair everywhere is no care. Sisters of all size, shape, and color welcome—only a spirit to groove is required for this ride, baby.

Pills and tasty smoke are always welcome, but keep the horse in the stable. An occasional sniff at a key party will do to set the mood.

None that I know of!


Joy of Sex Beard Guy

David Hart is routinely rejected (and occasionally published) in print and online in publications like McSweeney's, MonkeyBicycle, and Feathertale. He lives in Brooklyn with his fiancée and two occasionally ill-advised cats.