Fun, Fickle Fiction (for Free!) Fact, Opinion, Essay, & Review Spectacular Features, Calendrical Happenings, Media Gadflies Poetry & Lyric Advice, How To, & Self-Help Listicles Semi-Frequent Columns Correspondence (Letters To and Letters From) Interviews The Book Club Letter from the Editors Disquieting Modern Trends Birthday Cards to Celebrities New & Noteworthy The Y.P.aRt Gallery Et Cetera, Et Cetera, Et Cetera The Y.P.aRchives Submit

 Atøm | Spanish
supportbar.jpg Bea!   Creative Commons License
This journal is licensed under a Creative Commons License and powered by Movable Typo 4.01.
Y.P.R. & Co.

The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Thursday, October 18, 2007

Hollywood's Most Hilarious Bleeps, Boners, and Flub-Ups: Nicolas Cage Edition

by Nathan Thornton

Hollywood spends billions and billions of dollars on Nicolas Cage movies every year. Sometimes you have to wonder if these big-shot fat cats are asleep at the wheel or what because half the time these movies come out with some craaaazy mistakes in them.

Nicolas Cage plays Castor Troy, a powerful criminal mastermind who undergoes an experimental surgical procedure where he is temporarily given the face, body, and voice of John Travolta. This is patently ridiculous. There’s no such name as Castor Troy. Wake up, guys!


National Treasure
Nicolas Cage’s character travels to a vast Arctic wasteland where he suspects a sunken ship might be hidden. He randomly begins digging approximately three inches into the snow and immediately uncovers the ship’s nameplate. Come on! Nicolas Cage could never have figured out where that ship was. He’s borderline retarded.

Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Nicolas Cage has a very small role in this film. Who dropped the ball on this one? Nicolas Cage is actually a big-time movie star. Whoopsie!

Con Air
Nicolas Cage’s character gets into a bar fight in Alabama and is sent to a federal prison for like a million years. In actuality, no person in Alabama or anyplace in the world has a bullshit accent like that.

Con Air bonus blunder: This movie is named after a hair-dryer company instead of something cool.

Raising Arizona
Nicolas Cage has a rather prominent moustache throughout this film. But if you compare this to photographs of Nicolas Cage, it’s pretty obvious that he doesn’t have a moustache at all. Come on, guys! Do your homework!

The Rock
Although this movie is set in 1996, Nicolas Cage’s character refers to himself as a “chemical super freak.” The song “Super Freak” by Rick James was released in 1981, a full 15 years before this movie supposedly took place. Uh-oh!

Captain Corelli’s Mandolin
I haven’t seen this one, but an army guy playing a mandolin? Yeah, right! Nice try, Hollywood.

Honeymoon in Vegas
In this film’s rib-tickling and heartwarming finale, Nicolas Cage joins with a group of skydiving Elvis Presley impersonators to parachute over Las Vegas, and win his wife’s heart back. The assembled crowd applauds and welcomes the skydiving Elvises rather than beating them to death with their own prop guitars for being such a sucky way to end the movie.
Potted Plant

Nathan Thornton lives, eats and sleeps in Columbus, Ohio, where he writes hilarious bios to accompany humor pieces, then shakes his head, reconsiders, and decides to play it straight. His work has appeared in a couple of other places, but he doesn't like to make a big deal about it. And although he refers to himself in the third person, Nathan Thornton is me.