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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Maybe I'm Taking This Whole "Who Are You" Shtick a Little Too Far

Dinner looks great, honey! Who are you, early proponent of Haute cuisine Antonin Carême? What, no salt and pepper on the table? Who are you, Fernand Point, the post-World War I French chef-owner of La Pyramide who was famously offended if people wanted to season their own food and therefore wouldn’t allow salt and pepper shakers on his tables?

Geez, did you fold that shopping list enough times? Who are you, Tomoko Fuse, author of Unit Origami: Multidimensional Transformations?

Oh, you did our taxes this year yourself? La-dee-da. Who are you, Fra Luca Bartolomeo de Pacioli, the 16th-century Italian mathematician who many refer to as father of accounting?

I see you’re mowing the lawn. Who are you, Patrick Caughey, president of the American Society of Landscape Architects?

Come on, you’re replacing your own watch battery? Who are you, Abraham Louis Bréguet, the horologist who invented the tourbillon and other timepiece complications?

Ha, you think I’m going to let you try to remove my splinter? Who are you, Sushruta, the 6th-century Indian who wrote the seminal text on surgery, Sushruta Samhita? Didn’t know you could read Sanskrit.

Look at this guy with his camera, taking pictures. Who is he, French inventor Nicéphore Niépce? Oh wait, no. He probably thinks he’s Louis Daguerre. What a douche.

Wait, I’m annoying? You’re leaving me? Who are you, some ancient Athenian living in ancient Athens, which, according to Wikipedia, “liberally allowed divorce”?

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