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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Thursday, October 25, 2007

The Five Other People You Meet in Heaven

The Five Other People You Meet in HeavenClarence: A former small-arms dealer from Queens. He seems like a nice enough guy, but it’s hard to get past the fact he’s wearing a Big Van Vader wrestling mask. He says he’s been waiting for you, but it’s pretty clear he’s just saying that to be nice.

Sven: You only kind of meet him in passing, but he seems vaguely Swedish, drunk and emotionally volatile. Eventually you realize that Sven is most likely a dog, which explains why he bites you in the groin every time you ask him if your life had any meaning.

Leah: An ebullient sort, she is fond of singing “Mon coeur s’ouvre à ta voix” to you. Unfortunately, she does it incessantly and through a robotic voice box. You have a strong sense that Leah may hold the key to unlocking the mysteries of your past, but after a few days, it’s pretty clear that it’s just the key to the unisex bathroom.

Joe: He’s moody, mysterious, and at first you thought he was a chick. You convince yourself it’s just the long, blond ponytail, but it’s hard to get around that goatee. When you ask him if perhaps you spent your entire life living a lie, he shrugs his shoulders and hands you an egg salad sandwich on wheat with a lukewarm Tab.

Jesus: No, no. It’s Jesús, that guy who sat next to you on jury duty. It’s kind of a drag because technically you’ve already met him before. You feel cheated, as if you’re still (and always will be) in the dark over what it all means—although on Wednesdays (or is it Thursdays?) he makes a wicked Huachinango a la Veracruzana.


Tyler Stoddard Smith's works of fiction, non-fiction and poetry have been featured or are upcoming in The Best American Fantasy Writing, Pindeldyboz, The Bullfight Review, Box Car Poetry Review, Identity Theory, Yankee Pot Roast, Word Riot, Twixt, Monkeybicycle and McSweeney's, among others. For more info, visit StoddardSmith.com. He also edits a political satire Web site, Demockeracy.com.