Wednesday, October 3, 2007 | Fiction
The Gummy Bear Survival Guide
Gummy Bears want to kill you. It’s true. Sure those cute little confectionary morsels appear to be harmless and even quite tasty. But don’t be lured into a full-tummied comatose stupor. These bears are ferocious, single-minded killers. I, too, was once coaxed by their seemingly delicious appearance. I bought bag after bag of the empty-eyed innocuous-looking bears. But soon I noticed some strange occurrences. For instance, when I bought one bag of Gummy Bears at Stop and Shop, I returned home to find eight bags amongst my groceries. Then, no matter how many I ate, the nice blue ceramic bowl I kept them in was always completely filled. I mean, I ate at least four to six cereal bowls full in the morning alone. They know how to replicate. Now I can’t find my cat. The obvious suspect? The Gummy Bears. I have become convinced that Gummy Bears have a plan to not only eat our cats, but to overthrow the human race. And, after exhaustive, meticulous research I have come up with a response. But I need your help. Here is a mini-guide on how to survive and perhaps stop the full onslaught of Gummy Bear hordes:
Why are they out to get us?
This is a great question. I have two theories: one is, simply, they are sick and tired of watching us eat their own kind by the handful. They are sickened by our gluttonous nature. The other theory is that the Gummy Bear (which originated in Germany in 1922 as the Gummibär—“rubber bear”) were a secret weapon of Hitler as he tried to create a flesh-eating army of S.S. candies.
How will they attack us?
I believe that Gummy Bears are not unlike Venus flytraps or pitcher plants. It is their amazingly brilliant and yummy-looking colors that lure us to not only eat them, but to also purchase them by the box-load. Their Gummy Strategy has been to cater to those that will most easily be tempted to buy them by the case-full: stoners and children who have their own credit cards. As you know, these are also the most vulnerable people in our society. So, not unlike the use of the Trojan Horse, we will have carried their armies into our very homes. And, at some undisclosed time that I have not yet been able to ascertain, they will rise up and overtake us—turning our warm fleshy bodies into piles of crumbling bones.
I also have a pet theory based on the fact that Gummy Bears are made of sugar, glucose syrup, starch, flavoring, food coloring, gelatin, and … citric acid. That’s acid, folks! Just recall the creatures in Alien and the acid in their blood—you can see where I am going.
What can we do?
The image of millions of translucent red, green, yellow, and orange bears stampeding en masse across the streets, houses, and malls of America obviously sends deep chills of abject terror into anyone. But do not fear. As difficult as it is to conceive, the Gummibär are vulnerable. In fact their vulnerability is so obvious, you will smack your own head when you wonder why you didn’t think of it yourself: You must eat more Gummy Bears. Yes, the source of their monstrous rage is the source of their own demise. We must up the ante and not just eat them by the delectable handful, but we must eat them by the shovel-, bucket-, and large-troughs-that-we-use-to-mix-cement-in -full. Of course, if you are concerned about eating too many bears—that your stomach might explode as you are saving humanity—just eat their heads. It is the only sure way to immobilize them.
The war won’t be easy. We will be victorious. But, even then we cannot rest. Once we have repelled the Bear invasion, after we’ve eaten every last one of the Gummy Hordes, we must be prepared for the next assault—for there is a Gummy Alliance at work in the world. Yes, keep your eyes peeled for the Gummy Frogs and the Gummy Worms. A tasty but noble war we must all be prepared to fight.
Russell Bradbury-Carlin gave up his corporeal existence long ago. He now exists only as a series of bytes and electrical impulses distributed through out the internet. You can visit aspects of him (the humorous parts, anyway) here at Yankee Pot Roast and at McSweeney's
, Science Creative Quarterly
, The Big Jewel
, as well as other sites. But if you are interested in visiting with him in his most condensed form, check out his Web site, All My Shoes and Glasses
. Please note: if you visit his site between the hours of 11 p.m. and 7 a.m., please be quiet--that is when he sleeps.