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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Amazon Rankings of Children's Books by Christopher Hitchens

Mommy's Not Going to HeavenMommy’s Not Going to Heaven and Neither Are You!
By Christopher Hitchens Sales Rank: #18 in Books

Most Recent Customer Reviews:
“Finally! This is the definitive atheist and antitheist polemic teaching tool for children! A must-have for any contrarian who views religion as a devastating manmade conceit with which to subjugate the masses and suppress independent thought! Beautifully illustrated!”

Billy the RapistThe Adventures of Billy the Rapist and His Zionist Henchmen
By Christopher Hitchens Sales Rank: #324 in Books

Most Recent Customer Reviews:
“I’m not really sure that this is suitable for children and, regardless of pages and pages of exhaustive pontificating about the occupation of Palestine … I don’t think my kid should be reading about a bunny character who rapes his interns! (Besides, what bunny rabbit has an intern?) This book is strictly
neo-con pejorative allegory and I don’t think it’s suitable for the suggested ages of 4–8 let alone anyone. Also, at 432 pages, it’s a little long for a bedtime story.”

Hiccup HarryHiccup Harry and the Order of Leprechauns
By Christopher Hitchens Sales Rank: #457 in Books

Most Recent Customer Reviews:
“Even though this is a flimsy knockoff of J. K. Rowling, Hitchens has crafted a whimsical fairytale about a teetotaler with chronic hiccups who goes off the wagon after his parents are killed, and falls in with a group of leprechauns from the mythical Kingdom of Briarlande. These Leprechauns are trying to reunite their fractured country after a group of evil separatists (lead by the nefarious Lord Galloward) launch a revolution and divide the country. The story gets a bit lost in Harry’s drinking adventures (he tells the leprechauns that he drinks to make others more tolerable) and some of the language is a bit strong for young readers; but it’s a great read and sets the tone for the series as Harry embarks on a quest to unite Briarlande.”

Dear God, How Come I'm Not Funny?Dear God, How Come I’m Not Funny?
By Christopher Hitchens Sales Rank: #502 in Books

Most Recent Customer Reviews:
“A series of diary entries told through the eyes of Tiffany Flustercluck, an angst-ridden Christian teenager coming of age in Scottsdale, Arizona. Tiffany struggles with peer pressure, her newfound femininity and her genetic inability to make people laugh. How will she ever get a boy to like her? Almost hilarious!”

Smokey Smoke-a-LiciousSmokey Smoke-a-licious!
By Christopher Hitchens Sales Rank: #700 in Books

Most Recent Customer Reviews:
“This amazing picture-book follows Smokey around the country around as he smokes in public places, candy stores and milk bars! His parents warn him about the dangers of smoking, but Smokey doesn’t get sick—he gets smarter! Soon he’s studying Trotsky and Jefferson and palling around with hot college girls at Georgetown! But what will he do when faced with a nationwide draconian law banning smoking in milk bars? What else? Appear on a million talk shows denouncing the archaic puritanical mollycoddling of the fascist germophobes, (or germofascists), who seek to rid the world of pollution by littering the streets with their uninformed pro-life screeds on health-care initiatives! Absolutely enchanting! My three-year-old loved it! We can’t wait for the Broadway musical! A must-read for kids and disenfranchised smokers of all ages!”

Mick Stingley is a freelance writer. He is single and lives alone in New York City. He and Céline Dion will both be 40 on March 30, 2008.