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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Monday, December 3, 2007

More iPhone Commercials

I was on the crosstown bus and there was a woman in a short skirt and a décolleté shirt that showed off some pretty amazing cleavage. I used the camera function on my iPhone to surreptitiously shoot images of the unsuspecting woman's plunging neckline. I even got a shot of her underwear when she uncrossed and recrossed her legs. Then I was able to instantly upload the images to my website for other voyeurs to enjoy. Later, I got some emails from regular visitors to my site. They were so surprised at the image quality, that they went and bought iPhones of their own. Hey, Apple, I think you owe me some commission!

I was taking an exam in my art history class. There was this one question about Delacroix's influential painting Liberty Leading the People.  With my iPhone under my desk, I easily navigated to Wikipedia and got the answers to the year of the painting (1991) and the event that inspired it (the Gulf War). The correct answers were 1830 and the July Revolution overthrowing Charles X in France. I failed the exam, but now I know not to trust Wikipedia. Thanks a whole hell of a lot, iPhone.

I was on my way to the airport and completely forgot to book my flight! I know in today's travel world, airports are congested and I didn't want to have to buy my one-way ticket when I got there. I hate lines. Besides, if my senior director of operations found out I botched this part of the plan, I'd have been up a creek. So I pulled out my iPhone, hopped on Expedia.com and found the cheapest flight. I booked it and was on my way to martyrdom—that is until I was arrested at the gate. Damn you, infidels. And damn you, insecure EDGE network!

I was in a creative meeting that seemed like it was never going to end. The client was being quite difficult about the direction of their new advertising campaign, and we needed to come up with some great stuff to keep this account. But after a while, I needed a break. So I launched the Web browser on my iPhone and went to one of the porn sites that I bookmarked. It was pretty hot stuff. And my colleagues just thought I was checking email. iPhone gets me through the day.

There's this really hot guy at my gym, so I paid a friend to break into his locker and steal his wallet while hot guy was working out on the elliptical machine. I found his business card and used my iPhone to send him emails—like a ton of emails at all hours of the day and night. You know, things like 'I want to have your baby' and 'You know it's true love when you feel so strongly for someone that you want to kill him.'  That sort of thing. Turns out it wasn't his business card, it was someone else's. But that was just my fault for not noticing the difference between the name on his license and the name on the business card. My iPhone though? That worked perfectly. I also used it to call a lawyer. I need a good one.

I was at the store and I couldn't remember what the third thing was that my wife wanted me to pick up. She's kind of a bitch, so I knew I couldn't go home without it. So I just took out my iPhone and called home. After just two rings, my wife picked up and she told me the third thing I was supposed to buy.  She also told me to listen the first time she tells me something. I'm gonna go kill myself now. Anyone want my iPhone?


Frank Ferri is a copywriter who thinks he's funny. Visit him at ffcopy.com.