Friday, December 21, 2007
Lesser Known Characters from Dickens's A Christmas Carol
by Laurence Hughes
Ebenezer Scrooge’s clumsy junior clerk, who immolates himself while warming his hands over a candle.
H.R. director for the firm of Scrooge & Marley, whose conference room wine tastings and free employee massages do not sit well with senior management.
Unwary pickpocket who makes a play for Scrooge’s wallet and ends up with a bear trap clamped to his arm.
Jacob Marley’s housekeeper, whose ghost follows Marley’s through eternity, endlessly carping about his personal habits.
Scrooge’s former fiancée, an actress and part-time prostitute who ultimately turns her life around, becoming a prostitute and part-time actress.
Phys-ed teacher at young Ebenezer’s boarding school, who traumatized the shy youth by forcing him to play cricket on the ‘skins’ team.
Lady Sylvia Fafner
Society woman who swoons in the street when a gust of wind blows Scrooge’s nightshirt above his hips.
The Cratchits’ next-door neighbor, who must frequently advise the boisterous clan to “keep it down, for Christ’s sake.”
Bob Cratchit’s unsavory cousin, who is always tugging at himself in front of Bob’s daughters.
Divorce attorney hired by the wife of Scrooge’s nephew Fred, when she realizes her husband is an amiable boob who will never amount to anything.
Ghost of Christmas of the Eternal Now
Warm, enveloping spectral presence whose constant chatter about “mindfulness” and “staying centered” ultimately drives Scrooge to consult an exorcist.
Opportunistic scullery maid in the Christmas Future sequence. While the other domestics try to pawn their late master’s watch fob and bed curtains, Bedelia attempts to profit from Scrooge’s death by harvesting his organs and selling them on the black market.
Confused gravedigger who shovels plots for both Tiny Tim and Scrooge, only to fill in the holes again when neither of them dies.
Bad-tempered poulterer roused from his bed early Christmas morning, who sells Scrooge the prize turkey hanging in the window and tells him to stuff it.
Not a character, but a stage name adopted by Dickens for public performances of A Christmas Carol, “Lido Shuffle,” “Lowdown,” and all of his soulful pop hits.
is a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching, covetous old sinner.