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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Friday, December 21, 2007

Lesser Known Characters from Dickens's A Christmas Carol

by Laurence Hughes

Dick Dicklewicker
Ebenezer Scrooge’s clumsy junior clerk, who immolates himself while warming his hands over a candle.

Wembley Pemberton
H.R. director for the firm of Scrooge & Marley, whose conference room wine tastings and free employee massages do not sit well with senior management.

Tucker Bisby
Unwary pickpocket who makes a play for Scrooge’s wallet and ends up with a bear trap clamped to his arm.

Mrs Spleen
Jacob Marley’s housekeeper, whose ghost follows Marley’s through eternity, endlessly carping about his personal habits.

Sweets Plushbottom
Scrooge’s former fiancée, an actress and part-time prostitute who ultimately turns her life around, becoming a prostitute and part-time actress.

Mr Pimplepepper
Phys-ed teacher at young Ebenezer’s boarding school, who traumatized the shy youth by forcing him to play cricket on the ‘skins’ team.

Lady Sylvia Fafner
Society woman who swoons in the street when a gust of wind blows Scrooge’s nightshirt above his hips.

Sid Skinky
The Cratchits’ next-door neighbor, who must frequently advise the boisterous clan to “keep it down, for Christ’s sake.”

Bud Crotchitch
Bob Cratchit’s unsavory cousin, who is always tugging at himself in front of Bob’s daughters.

Josephus Shyster
Divorce attorney hired by the wife of Scrooge’s nephew Fred, when she realizes her husband is an amiable boob who will never amount to anything.

Ghost of Christmas of the Eternal Now
Warm, enveloping spectral presence whose constant chatter about “mindfulness” and “staying centered” ultimately drives Scrooge to consult an exorcist.

Opportunistic scullery maid in the Christmas Future sequence. While the other domestics try to pawn their late master’s watch fob and bed curtains, Bedelia attempts to profit from Scrooge’s death by harvesting his organs and selling them on the black market.

Seditious Peatbog
Confused gravedigger who shovels plots for both Tiny Tim and Scrooge, only to fill in the holes again when neither of them dies.

Hieronymous Quillplucker
Bad-tempered poulterer roused from his bed early Christmas morning, who sells Scrooge the prize turkey hanging in the window and tells him to stuff it.

Boz Scaggs
Not a character, but a stage name adopted by Dickens for public performances of A Christmas Carol, “Lido Shuffle,” “Lowdown,” and all of his soulful pop hits.

Laurence Hughes is a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching, covetous old sinner.