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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Monday, December 10, 2007

Outing Inanimate Objects

Gay BobbleheadToo long have closeted gay and lesbian inanimate objects denied their comrades the political clout and voice they need. In the interest of creating a fair forum through which all inanimate objects, gay and straight, can participate, we release this list which outs known gay inanimate objects. We apologize to the friends and family their unnecessary lies have hurt.

Bobbin’ Head Baseball Bank
Clues for the clueless on this outing. “It’s like there’s a spring in that neck,” has exclaimed many a satisfied date of the Bobbin’ Head Baseball Bank. This major league ball handler got out of the bush leagues long ago—no wonder this “player” is rosy-cheeked.

Gay French HornFrench Horn
The Kevin Spacey of the brass section, it has never claimed to be straight, and the orchestral maneuvers in the dark this horn-dog prefers are instrument-on-instrument. “As gay as a French Horn” is in use as the result of its prodigious exploits, though it is not as flamboyant as the mellophone. It should be noted the often-rumored pan flute is straight and has a family, the Woodwinds.

Gay Diving BoardDiving Board
For all its seeming rigidity and straight posturing, the diving board is a bouncy, flouncy plank of powder blue that can barely hold on to its hinges when some beefcake in a Speedo takes a leap on it. “I can’t believe they let eleven-year-olds do can-openers off it,” said one in-the-know city official.

Liberace's Gay CorpseLiberace’s Corpse
When Racine, Wisconsin’s favorite son passed through the cosmic glory hole to touch men’s nether regions in the netherworld, he left behind him palimony suits, quizzical notions he may have died of just plain old pneumonia, and a fabulous corpse to inter in the Hollywood Hills. Liberace, while alive, could not only be picked up on gaydar, but on actual regular radar, and fire alarms in his vicinity had to be specially set to pick up only literal flaming. As the maestro is decomposing, his besequined corpse still retains a significant amount of homosexuality, and his rotting eye sockets are like a Fire Island of gay maggoty viscera. Never has that hermaphroditic coffin fop, the earthworm, seemed so fabulous!

Gay sporkSporks
These little miscegenations are the transgendered of the utensil scene. Clever enough to do Oscar Wilde proud, and so prone to getting dirty, dirty, dirty they must come in a plastic wrapper with a napkin, the halfbreed spork has nevertheless become disposable in this current political climate.

Gay Corey HaimCorey Haim
Inanimate may be a strong word for a human being who is probably still alive—but he hasn’t gone anywhere in a while and he won’t be going anywhere soon. And gay may be a strong word for someone who, in his time, has probably played the celeb card to tap some top-shelf ganch. But there’s no question he was in some gay-ass films and he was always the gayer Corey and that’s pretty gay.

We hope that these things will join “man bags,” Drakkar Noir, and mustachioed latex suck-off faces in fighting for the rights of gay inanimate objects everywhere.

Loland Kapuchinski is a three-time winner of the Fatty Arbuckle Award--twice for comedy, once for sodomy.