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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Thursday, January 24, 2008

The Best Damn Sports Show Period Presents the Top End-Zone Celebrations of 2007

by Michael Rottman & Jeff Szpirglas

  1. After scoring the winning touchdown in the Motor City Bowl on a triple flea-flicker reverse on the game’s final play, Purdue split end Chad Swain rushes over to Boilermaker male cheerleader Tyler Billingham, drops to his knees and proposes marriage. With a crowd of 60,000 fans and a national television audience looking on, Billingham looks haughtily down his nose and tells Swain to “Drop dead, Fudgepot.”
  2. In Fayetteville, Mississippi State cornerback Kwa’shan Biggs returns an Arkansas interception eighty yards for a touchdown, spikes the ball and then proceeds to simulate an act of bestiality with Suey, the 400-pound razorback hog and Arkansas mascot, all the while screaming, “Squeal like a pig, motherfuckers!” at the student section. Biggs’s subsequent goring by the aroused hog becomes a YouTube staple and lands him on injured reserve for 4–6 weeks with a “groin.”
  3. Following a victory over division rival Minnesota, Kyle Brock, the Detroit Lions’ 300-pound right tackle and a Nike spokesman, rips off his jersey at midfield to reveal his spectacular 48-DDD man-boobs firmly encased in Nike’s newest product line, the Juicer-Bra 2000. Sales skyrocket. Brock later lands an endorsement deal with Gillette, culminating in the shaving of his hairy back hump during halftime of the Super Bowl.
  4. Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson scores on a 60-yard bomb from quarterback Carson Palmer, calmly flips the ball to the referee and humbly trots back to the bench. Johnson is fined $10,000 by the N.F.L. for “excessive irony.”
  5. After Georgia running back Craig Edwards rushes for his first-ever first down on a routine two-yard carry in the fourth quarter of a game against Kansas State, the entire Bulldogs team, on orders from coach Mike Richt, storm the field and wildly celebrate. The resulting 45 yards in penalties take the Bulldogs out of field goal range in a game they ultimately lose by one point. At his post-game press conference, Richt blames the loss on the “questionable officiating” of the Big Ten crew.
  6. Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens torches the Miami Dolphins secondary for a long touchdown catch, then removes a hibachi grill, a chef’s hat and several mahi-mahi fillets from the goal post padding and grills up the steaks on the Dolphins logo in the corner of the end zone. Owens is fined $5,000 by the Dade County Health Department for multiple violations.
  7. In the closing seconds of Green Bay’s home playoff victory over Philadelphia in frigid Lambeau Field, Packers players sneak up behind coach Mike McCarthy to douse him with a cooler of Gatorade, unaware that the sports drink has frozen solid in the –10 degree air. McCarthy’s skull is crushed by the 100-pound ice block, leaving him comatose and unavailable to coach in the N.F.C. championship game. Green Bay wins anyway, 42–6, leading quarterback Brett Favre to quip, “Maybe we’ll drop a piano on his head before the Super Bowl.”

Jeff Szpirglas not only teaches children, but also writes books for them, and, according to his parents, excels at acting like them. He gets an A+ in screaming rages, but a C- in penmanship.
Michael Rottman does not teach children, but can get one for you cheap. His work has appeared in Opium.print, Grain, and The Fiddlehead, and online at Y.P.R., The Morning News, and McSweeney's.