Tuesday, January 1, 2008

MMVII : The year in which screenwriters wrote only placards, [Rocking the WGA Strike], our preëminent heiress was imprisoned [Paris Hilton Writes to Governor Schwarzenegger from Jail by Shap Sweeney], Mr. Rove stepped down [Rove Over], Messers. Mailer and Vonnegut sailed away [Mailer Meets Maker, R.I.P., K.V. Jr.], and Mr. Potter vanquished Voldemort once and for all [Harry Potter and the … Blah Blah Blah].

Oh, and also a pop singer got a haircut, went to rehab, attacked the paparazzi, went back to rehab, flashed her ladyparts, lost her kids, and had a shitty big comeback on MTV. [ Disquieting Modern Trends: The Leviathan Stirs in Defense of All That Is Holy Edition, by Will Layman & Ed Fischer.] There may have been a war going on as well.

K.K. & Ray JMr. Frank Ferri brought us the Kim Kardashian and Ray J Sex Tape Transcript: Spoiler Warning

Ray: How about a little Sudoku? Got Will Shortz’s new book. Shit’s hard …

Mr. Andrew Kiraly presents a rare Glimpse into the Troubled Stream of Consciousness of Henry Purvis, 37, Also Known in World of Warcraft as Torvak Redhammer, 67th-Level Warrior Dwarf.

Mr. Ross Wolinsky expresses some heartfelt Comments on Last Night’s Orgy.

Mr. Brendon Lloyd provides a transcript of the Entourage Chat Room

Mr. Jesse McLean taught us How to Bluff Your Way Through a Heart Bypass.
K.K. & Ray JFig. 1 Coronary artery bypass surgery during mobilization of the right coronary artery from its surrounding adipose tissue. The tube visible at the bottom is the aortic cannula. The tube above it is the venous cannula. The patient’s heart is stopped and the aorta is cross-clamped.

Death to PigsMr. Dale Dobson unearthed Notes for Jane Austen’s Helter Skelter
Chapter I — The events must be universally acknowledged. A young man has taken Spahn Ranch.

Jessica Alba IS Strawberry ShortcakeIn Toy Stories, cultural critics Michael Rottman and Jeff Szpirglas have screened advance copies of the latest toy-to-film projects coming down Hollywood’s pike following the smash success of Michael Bay’s Transformers.

Mr. Shap Sweeney delivers sneak-previews to Faithful filmgoers with 20th Century Fox’s New Christian Mini-Studio FoxFaith Announces Its Planned Releases For 2008.
Jesus & Mary

Mr. Eric Feezell discovers what those sexy soda singers sold Before They Worked for Fanta.

Selected masterworks from The Golden Girls Exhibit, Part I: The Old Masters arrived at New York’s Metropolitan Museum of Art this September.

Designer Dog Breeds: Rapper’s Edition
by Nora Fussner
Fox Hound + Schnauzer = Fo Schnizzle

Amazon Rankings of Children’s Books by Christopher Hitchens
by Mick Stingley
Mommy’s Not Going to Heaven,
“Finally! This is the definitive atheist and antitheist polemic teaching tool for children!”

Form Letter Rejection from the Magazine Every Day with Rachael Ray
by Theodore Carter

Chance Cards in Liberty City Monopoly by Mike Richardson-Bryan

What Various People Would Turn Into if, Subject to the Rules Established for the Care of Mogwai in the 1984 Movie Gremlins, They Were Fed after Midnight
by Andrew Kiraly

Current Choix de Menu from the Café de Dictateur
by Eric Feezell
Ho Chi Minestrone & Steamed Musselinis (en sauce à vin blanc)

How to Write Poetry by Jamie Zerndt

Test Your Cultural I.Q.: I Love Lucy Episode or Noam Chomsky Theorem?
by Jonathan Stern
Can you discern the classic sitcom plots from the noted linguist’s views? Take this quiz.

The Secret Keyboard Shortcuts of Tuesdays with Morrie Author Mitch Albom

by Andrew Kiraly
F5: Earnestness checker
Ctrl- +: increases pathos

Police Log Regarding Christmas Eve Crime Spree 8:40 p.m. – All is calm, all is bright.
Lesser Known Characters from Dickens's A Christmas Carol Dick Dicklewicker, Tucker Bisby, Sweets Plushbottom, and more minor players from the holiday classic.
Reagan Smokes for Xmas
Recollections: A Christmas Panegyric, Barstow, California When my sisters grow up, they'll most likely be whores ...

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