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Friday, February 15, 2008

Every Single Episode of Two and a Half Men

Ralph Gamelli

2.5 Men


(ALAN and JAKE are dressed and eating breakfast. CHARLIE, disheveled, wearing robe, enters and pours himself coffee. He joins them at the table.)


ALAN: Sex?

JAKE: No sex. Pancakes.

(CHARLIE shakes head in dismay at JAKE, then looks at ALAN and grins.)

CHARLIE: Sex. Sex sex sex.

ALAN: Sex sex sex. Always sex sex sex. Why always sex sex sex?

CHARLIE: Why not always sex sex sex? (Pauses, sips coffee.) Sex sex sex sex sex.

ALAN (mocking): ‘Sex sex sex sex sex.’ More to life than sex sex sex sex sex. See me always sex sex sex sex sex?

CHARLIE: You? No. Me? Yes. Me: sex sex sex. You: no sex sex sex.

ALAN: Me sex sex sex on occasion.

(CHARLIE looks at him skeptically.)

ALAN: Me sex sex sex! Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex!

(BERTA enters carrying a basket of laundry. She lifts a pair of child-sized boxers.)

BERTA: Poop stains! Jake poop crap toilet.

JAKE: Me no poop crap toilet.

BERTA: Then who poop crap toilet? Charlie? Charlie just sex sex sex.

CHARLIE: Sex sex sex.

BERTA: See? Poop crap toilet is you!

JAKE: All right. Poop crap toilet is me. Poop poop poop.

CHARLIE (challengingly): Sex sex sex.

JAKE: Poop poop poop. Fart fart fart.

CHARLIE: Sex sex sex sex sex.

ALAN: No fart fart fart! No sex sex sex! Me trying to eat!

(They calm down. BERTA walks out.)

JAKE: Burp.


JAKE: Burp burp burp. Fart fart fart.

CHARLIE: Sex sex sex!

JAKE: Fart fart fart! Crap crap crap! Poop poop poop!

CHARLIE: Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex!

(ALAN sighs amid the noise. Sets down fork. Wipes mouth daintily with napkin. Farts.)


Ralph Gamelli has been published in MonkeyBicycle, Raging Face, Science Creative Quarterly, and McSweeney's. He's the kind of person who, if he hears you utter the word "cashew," would quickly say "gesundheit" in response and then brush it off as a stupid joke. But secretly he thinks it's hilarious.