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Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Less Traditional Mafia Hit Men

Vinnie the Exfoliator

Part esthetician, part mass murderer, Vinnie bestrides the worlds of organized crime and luxury spas. He’s revered by Botox moms for his high-end spa treatments and magical soft touch, but don’t cross him or the Family. The moment you commit a dishonorable deed, Vinnie will give you the gift card of death. It doesn’t actually say that of course; it’s simply a gift card to his spa good for a complimentary microdermabrasion treatment. You won’t suspect a thing as you’re greeted by a cordial receptionist who hands you a luxuriously soft white terry cloth robe to slip into. You’ll get the V.I.P. room, which appears to be a private sanctuary. What you don’t know is that V.I.P. really stands for Vinnie’s Imminent Prey. His incredibly powerful exfoliator is illegal in this and most other countries, but his uncle is in the importing business and has no trouble getting the death machine into Vinnie’s nicely manicured hands. Once he starts attacking layer after layer of skin, you’ll wish you never tried to sell Family secrets to the Banfilotuccis. You’ll also wish Vinnie will stop at the epidermis. But he won’t.

Paper Cuts Ralphie

Ever get a paper cut? How about thousands of them in a matter of minutes? Now imagine sustaining those paper cuts with Ralphie’s signature folder. The kind made of 11-point manila stock. Maybe next time you won’t pocket some of the kickback money you were sent to collect. Oh wait, there won’t be a next time.

Cinnabon Louie

Every day Louie picks up his bulk order of Cinnabons at the mall. And every day he makes his deliveries to his happy, unsuspecting victims. Louie is focused, methodical. Yes, to the chagrin of the Bosses, he takes his time; but 20, 30 years from now when his victims are suffering from high cholesterol, heart disease, and a Body Mass Index well over 30, Louie will get the last laugh.

Dominic the Dactyl Displacer

Simply put, Dominic removes thumbs. Specifically thumbs on attorneys who have made life hard for the Family. It’s virtually impossible to type efficiently on a BlackBerry without thumbs, and eventually the lawyers’ response times get worse, much to their clients’ ire. Their billable hours shrink to below the firm’s standard. The attorneys are fired, and for them, that’s worse than being killed.

Frank Ferri is a copywriter who thinks he's funny. Visit him at