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Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Niche Internet Dating Websites

Michael Rottman & Jeff Szpirglas

With February 14th just around the corner, it’s natural for singles to feel unwanted and not-having-sex-y. Lucky for you, romance experts Rottman and Szpirglas have scoured the Internet to review the best new dating websites around. Perhaps your future significant other lurks on the following:
Single? Have a degree in vulcanology? (The two mysteriously go together, don’t they?) Is that research grant taking you to someplace exotic in the ring of fire—say Krakatoa or Mount St. Helens? If you’re searching for that special someone to help collect magma samples, fret no more— will heat up your field work in more ways than one.

Arrr, Datey!.com
Landlocked ye may be, but lonely is your heart. ’Tis a rough wind that blows through singles bars and clubs, always a-lee from your perfect crewmate. Don’t settle for “any port in a storm.” Weigh anchor and set sail on the Sea of Love with a map from Arrr, Datey!.com. Wenches as salty and dogs as scurvy as ye want, and blood tests a-plenty. Online chat room provides a forum to compare “peg legs” and for some virtual “stroking the plank.”

New this month: Arrr, Moishe!.com, for kosher lubbers only.
Why should Trekkers get all the dates? Whether you’re seeking a fellow fan of Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG-1, or just that movie with the weird jackals and the dude from The Crying Game, this is the forum that AndersonLuvr77 describes as “the portal to your heart … or your pants.” Share your thoughts on the evil Goa’uld one day, and your bodily fluids the next. Highly recommended.

ADHDate — Seven Second Speed Dating
Need a guy? A girl? Date! Date! Nice pants! Nice eyes! Twirl hair! Shiny menu! Is that vase Chinese? O.K., next date! Go! Go! Date!
Weekly flyer now available online. Specials: Pacific blonde runner, $6.97 per pound; spicy molly into Kurosawa, $5.50. $2.00 off small-fluked secretary and spotted divorcée. Warning issued for the barracuda (past her expiry date, but very colorful and still lots of roe).
Seeking that special someone to play “disk drive” with, old-school-style? He or she may be just twenty to ninety keystrokes away! As the marketing slogan proclaims, with COBOLove, “you can ASCII someone out in 4-bit EGA color.” New upgrades for MS-DOS and BASIC users. Flashy kids with their Pentiums need not apply.

CSI: Your
You know the feeling. The second you start talking abrasion patterns and axe wounds, your date is pushing away his sushi and eyeing the door. You’re a forensics pro, and you can’t even discuss your love of semen samples without sending the wrong message. CSI: Your Place is about finding love in your world, where putrefying corpses can coexist with champagne and tango lessons. The shooter is always Cupid … and the body’s always warm! (Latex gloves free with registration.)

Jeff Szpirglas not only teaches children, but also writes books for them, and, according to his parents, excels at acting like them. He gets an A+ in screaming rages, but a C- in penmanship.
Michael Rottman does not teach children, but can get one for you cheap. His work has appeared in Opium.print, Grain, and The Fiddlehead, and online at Y.P.R., The Morning News, and McSweeney's.