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Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Actual Excerpts From ...

Actual Excerpts from the RoboSapien Owner’s Manual

RoboSapien Owner's ManualRoboSapien™ V2 can use his camera to identify colors. If he sees something red, he will assume it is one of his bowling pins.

RoboSapien™ V2 will sometimes refuse to walk through gaps that he can physically fit through.

A sound made directly in front of him will be acknowledged with “Hey, there!” It now depends whether RoboSapien™ V2 is holding a ball or not.

RoboSapien™ V2 can identify skin tones.

RoboSapien™ V2’s brain batteries can last for two days if he is left facing a white wall. During this time, he will pay attention to anybody who walks by, but won’t entertain you.

RoboSapien ™ V2 is good at picking up empty beer cans, crumpled paper and medicine bottles.

Press the Y button to instruct RoboSapien™ V2 to “Plan” —But don’t blame us for the consequences!


Actual Excerpts from NBC Anchorman Chuck Scarborough’s Novel about an Earthquake Striking New York City

The zoo’s monkey house was a madhouse of screams and escape.

Brendan left the mayor’s office and took a moment to get a cup of coffee from the kitchen tent. He was leg-weary.

Guido Compello looked at Rizzo with disbelief. Deference to Rizzo kept him from saying what he was thinking, which was, What the f– are you talking about? You haven’t been out there, you f–ing idiot. He took another swig from the brandy bottle.

Actual Excerpts from the Catholic Defense League’s 1994 Report on Anti-Catholicism in the Media

Fox’s George Carlin Show dealt with a stolen life-size statue of Jesus. The statue was clothed in a coat and brought to a bar as if it were a patron.

ABC’s Good Morning America featured a disrespectful parody of the Gregorian Chants CD.

Comedienne LaWanda Page appeared on The Arsenio Hall Show and told a blasphemous story about a prostitute.

NBC: A comedian on The Tonight Show mocked the Blessed Virgin Mary for giving birth to Jesus when she was homeless.

MTV’s Ren and Stimpy Show featured an animated character known as Powdered Toast Man (PTM), who was shown rescuing the Pope from an explosion. PTM tells the Pope, “Quick, man, cling tenaciously to my buttocks.” The Pope answers, “Both of them?”

Matt Morrison is a writer living in New York. He studies improv at the UCB Theatre, and has written for, where he prays that the medium is not the message. You can read his blog at