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Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Market Wrap-up

Now it’s time to do the numbers:

DaimlerChrysler revved up two percent today after investors realized that it’s the company that makes Mercedes.

Purina screwed the pooch when they announced earnings fell short of the masters’ expectations. Purina’s C.E.O. was rapped on the nose with a rolled up magazine for submissive urination in the board room.

Apple jacked off two percent today after announcing another gadget American hackers can compromise and sell to the Chinese on the grey market.

3M invented more sticky paper, capturing the interest only of administrative assistants and obsessive list-makers.

Dow Corning stock got a boost after it won a lawsuit requiring its brand name and logo be clearly displayed in tattoo form on all augmented breasts.

Lockheed Martin thrust ahead three percent after it announced the production of another giant phallus to be waved about by the U.S. military brass.

French oil company Schlumberger schlepped away ashamed and bewildered after a cheek-kissing incident caused Texaco to open up a can of whup-ass on it.

Weyerhaeuser continued to rape the environment to the cheers of onlooking frat boys in pursuit of M.B.A.s.

Caterpillar went bankrupt and all of its employees perished when it was captured by a seven-year-old boy, sealed in a poorly-cleaned mayonnaise jar without air holes, and was promptly forgotten.

Anheuser-Busch belched the alphabet and traced its name in the snow with pee while investors deliberated whether any of its products are drinkable by anyone with taste buds.

Ross Blanchard lives and toils in Portland, Oregon. By day he's a mild-mannered corporate sycophant, by night (and weekends) a cutthroat literary huckster. An occasional writer, Blanchard's virtual self can be seen at Sw33t B@bez and Nigerian widows can reach him at