Tuesday, March 18, 2008 |
— Fiction —
Market Wrap-up
Now it’s time to do the numbers:
DaimlerChrysler revved up two percent today after investors realized that it’s the company that makes Mercedes. |
Purina screwed the pooch when they announced earnings fell short of the masters’ expectations. Purina’s C.E.O. was rapped on the nose with a rolled up magazine for submissive urination in the board room. |
Apple jacked off two percent today after announcing another gadget American hackers can compromise and sell to the Chinese on the grey market. |
3M invented more sticky paper, capturing the interest only of administrative assistants and obsessive list-makers. |
Dow Corning stock got a boost after it won a lawsuit requiring its brand name and logo be clearly displayed in tattoo form on all augmented breasts. |
Lockheed Martin thrust ahead three percent after it announced the production of another giant phallus to be waved about by the U.S. military brass. |
French oil company Schlumberger schlepped away ashamed and bewildered after a cheek-kissing incident caused Texaco to open up a can of whup-ass on it. |
Weyerhaeuser continued to rape the environment to the cheers of onlooking frat boys in pursuit of M.B.A.s. |
Caterpillar went bankrupt and all of its employees perished when it was captured by a seven-year-old boy, sealed in a poorly-cleaned mayonnaise jar without air holes, and was promptly forgotten. |
Anheuser-Busch belched the alphabet and traced its name in the snow with pee while investors deliberated whether any of its products are drinkable by anyone with taste buds. |