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Monday, March 10, 2008

Things I've Learned about the Harry Potter Series from the Online Slash Community

Zachary Vora

Harry Potter is a gay cutter who does hard drugs and has flings with all of his teachers.

Harry and Draco Malfoy are in a relationship. They frequently have anal sex. Draco is the “bottom.”

Bunnyfucking Harry Potter artwork by Bryan Danknich, FM Magazine.

At one point, Lucius Malfoy—Draco Malfoy’s father—is in denial about his son’s sexuality, and takes him to a strip club to make him “straight again.”

Harry is the son of Dracula, and also Batman, making him one-quarter vampire, one-quarter superhero, and one-half boy wizard.

Severus Snape—a talented potionist—perfects a concoction that allows men to become pregnant. Harry Potter, after drinking said potion, grows a womb and bears his first child, Alex (sired by Draco Malfoy).

Magneto from the X-Men comics plays an important role in the novels.

Harry sleeps with Seamus Finnigan, an old classmate who’s renting a loft in New York City above a flower shop. Since his time at Hogwarts, Finnigan has become a junkie.

In order to find a cure for lycanthropy, Severus Snape is forced to have sex with a werewolf.

Harry Potter, after traveling back to the 18th century, sleeps with a crew of pirates. He then transports to the Korean War, where he is wounded by shrapnel and taken to the Mobile Army Surgical Hospital 4077. There, he interacts with characters from the popular television show M*A*S*H.

Lord Voldemort (some evil wizard) casts an obscure sex-slave curse over Harry Potter after imprisoning him.

Draco Malfoy, at the age of 24, is married to a woman and well respected within his upper-class community, but is in denial of his homosexuality.

Harry and Severus Snape frequently shower together.

After a few weeks of excruciating stomach pains, Sirius Snape takes a pregnancy test and finds out that he’s going to have Remus Lupin’s child. Four months later, he gives birth to a black puppy. This is because Remus Lupin is a werewolf.

Ron Weasley, after a one-night stand, knocks up Draco Malfoy, who, after eight months of pregnancy, knocks up Harry Potter. The two ensuing children become best friends, wizards, and finally, lovers.

Harry Potter has breasts.

Zachary Vora is the celebrated author of The Pig Fuckery--a New York Times best seller--and its lackluster sequel Gettin' Fuckety: A Choose Your Own Fuck-venture.