Monday, April 7, 2008 |
— Fiction —
Excerpts from Amelia Bedelia Joins CTU
Amelia: “Didn’t you tell me to boot up the computer?”
* * *
Chloe O’Brian, Senior Analyst: “Amelia, where are you going with that broom and a can of raid?”
Amelia: “I’m going to sweep for bugs, of course!”
* * *
James Heller, Secretary of Defense: “Amelia, why are you walking around with a blanket over your head?”
Amelia: “SHHHH!!! I’m supposed to be undercover!”
* * *
Bill Buchanan, Director of C.T.U.: “Amelia, why are there clods of dirt and miscellaneous bits of shrubbery strewn all over the building?”
Amelia: “Well, if you know a cleaner way to root out plants, I’d like to hear it!”
* * *
Kim Bauer: “Amelia, why are you duct-taping full cans of niche-market soda to me?”
Amelia: “I promised your father I would keep Tabs on you while he was on assignment!”
* * *
Aaron Pierce, Secret Service Agent: “Amelia, why did you take an axe to the caterer during the White House Correspondents Dinner?”
Amelia: “Jack ordered me to hack into the main server while everyone was eating!”
* * *
Amelia: “Yo yo yo, wassup D-Money? How you gonna play a sista like that?”
Mike Doyle, Director of Field Operations: “Amelia, what has gotten into you?”
Amelia: “I thought you said we was goin’ black for this mission, foo!”
* * *
Nadia Yassir, Special Agent in Charge: “Amelia, what did you do with that improvised explosive devise I told you to put into place?”
Amelia: “The what?”
Yassir: “The I.E.D.—Improvised Explosive Device.”
Amelia: “I.E.D. … I thought you said IUD!”1 [Grabs groin in horror; sprints to bathroom.]
* * *
Jack Bauer, Occasionally Rogue Agent and All-around Badass: “Amelia, where are you going with that panini maker?”
Amelia:“Mr. Buchanan told me I should grill the suspect.”
Bauer: [Long pause] “I like the way you think, rookie. How about you help me disarm some terrorists when you’re done?”
Amelia: “Oh boy, I’ll get the hacksaw!”
1. Look it up, people.
