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Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Alan Roney: Tourette Syndrome–Afflicted Jurassic Park Tour Guide

Hello, honorary Cretaceous period historians! My name is Alan, and I’ll be conducting the first leg—third leg!—of your tour through Jurassic Park this afternoon poon, poon, pooooon, like it! Along with the verdant forests, lush leas, and whimsical waterfalls you’ll no doubt be seeing, there are also going to be some dinosaurs! Hey, no shit, Sherlock Alan dick fucker! Hooray!

I kid, people, I kid. Now you might be noticing I’ve got this little thing going on here, right? And you’re thinking, hey, this is a family-type establishment, right? Well, Jurassic Park, an equal opportunity employer, just so happens to be a little short on tour guides at the moment, so I’m filling in. You’ll really stop noticing it after a short while, folks. Seriously. Don’t worry, though, I’ll be on my best behav—pussy pop, pussy pop! Best behavior.

O.K., here we go. To your left you’ll see some dinosaurs. Big old mean ones! And that’ll conclude our tour for the day.

Psych! I’m such a joker. Shit sandwich, O.K.! But seriously, folks, to your left are five—count ’em, five—of the creatures we call Stegosaurus. Fucking! What’s interesting about these big guys, aside from them being relatively harmless, dim-witted, and horrendously ugly, is the fact that they have two brains, both about the size of a walnut. Imagine that! One’s in the head, the other in the tail. Juicy double-bang cocksuck! Pretty wild, huh, guys?

Now up ahead you’ll see the one and the only Tyrannosaurus rex. His name translates “tyrant lizard king,” and for good reason. Piss-face rex, ergh, titty lick, rex. This formidable creature is second to none in terms of strength and ferocity, ruling the dinosaur realm with an iron fist. Actually, oddly enough, they don’t really have fists, these guys. Each arm is equipped with just two claw-like digits designed to help the T. rex shit in my mouth! shit in my mouth! which helps increase its land speed. This is important for any locomotive predator.

Moving right along, people. If you hear a big thud on the roof of the tram, not to worry. It’s probably just a Pteranodon excreting a little bit of fecal matter from up above. Happens all the time.

Here, up on the right, we have four Velociraptors tearing unforgivingly at the flesh of a saber-toothed tiger chainsaw enema fuckballs! The saber-toothed tiger is a favorite meal for these vicious little buggers, who happen to be extremely fastidious. What gives, you ask? Well … built-in tooth picks! Ha! I’m on fire today, people!

O.K., now up ahead we’ve got some Brontosauruses, probably among the largest of the majestic creatures you’ll find on the island. Funny story behind these guys, yoong fucky fucky: Brontosaurus, translating “thunder lizard,” is actually a common misnomer for Apatosaurus, the creature’s true and original name, which means “deceptive lizard.” This has been the subject of much debate among scholars and paleontologists over the last couple centuries. As far as this guy’s concerned, folks, we should stick with Brontosaurus. I mean, how deceptive can you really be at over seventy feet in length, bobbin’ on my nob, Captain Craptastic! Am I right or what? Yeah, that lady in the back is with me!

Looks like my time is nearly up, folks. I’m getting the red light from the back of the tram, which means Donnie’s going to relieve me soon. Relieve himself on meeeeeee! Follow the bouncing ball! Oh, shee-it on my head with soupy poopies! Poop-hat, crap-hat, have you any poopies?

I guess we’re not in the singing mood today, huh guys? That’s O.K. I know you’re all a little overwhelmed by the big old dinosaurs … with big huge cocks!

Please enjoy the rest of your afternoon! If you’d like to catch up with me later, I’ll be doing my regular gig from three o’clock till close over at Woolly Mammoth Moe’s Playland. Bring the kids, why don’t ya! Hey!

Eric Feezell has appeared, among other places, at McSweeney's Internet Tendency, Opium, and 7-Eleven. He can be found on the InterWeb at