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Monday, April 7, 2008

Fiction
Excerpts from Amelia Bedelia Joins CTU


Morris O’Brian, Systems Analyst: “Amelia, why are your Uggs jammed into my CD-ROM drive?”

Amelia: “Didn’t you tell me to boot up the computer?”


* * *

Chloe O’Brian, Senior Analyst: “Amelia, where are you going with that broom and a can of raid?”

Amelia: “I’m going to sweep for bugs, of course!”


* * *

James Heller, Secretary of Defense: “Amelia, why are you walking around with a blanket over your head?”

Amelia: “SHHHH!!! I’m supposed to be undercover!”


* * *

Bill Buchanan, Director of C.T.U.: “Amelia, why are there clods of dirt and miscellaneous bits of shrubbery strewn all over the building?”

Amelia: “Well, if you know a cleaner way to root out plants, I’d like to hear it!”


* * *

Kim Bauer: “Amelia, why are you duct-taping full cans of niche-market soda to me?”

Amelia: “I promised your father I would keep Tabs on you while he was on assignment!”


* * *

Aaron Pierce, Secret Service Agent: “Amelia, why did you take an axe to the caterer during the White House Correspondents Dinner?”

Amelia: “Jack ordered me to hack into the main server while everyone was eating!”


* * *

Amelia: “Yo yo yo, wassup D-Money? How you gonna play a sista like that?”

Mike Doyle, Director of Field Operations: “Amelia, what has gotten into you?”

Amelia: “I thought you said we was goin’ black for this mission, foo!”


* * *

Nadia Yassir, Special Agent in Charge: “Amelia, what did you do with that improvised explosive devise I told you to put into place?”

Amelia: “The what?”

Yassir: “The I.E.D.—Improvised Explosive Device.”

Amelia: “I.E.D. … I thought you said IUD!”1 [Grabs groin in horror; sprints to bathroom.]


* * *

Jack Bauer, Occasionally Rogue Agent and All-around Badass: “Amelia, where are you going with that panini maker?”

Amelia:“Mr. Buchanan told me I should grill the suspect.”

Bauer: [Long pause] “I like the way you think, rookie. How about you help me disarm some terrorists when you’re done?”

Amelia: “Oh boy, I’ll get the hacksaw!”


1. Look it up, people.

Illustrations by Mr. Macomber.
By day, Trevor Macomber is a mild-mannered corporate writer from Connecticut. By night, he is usually asleep. Ba-dum CHING! But seriously folks, you should really check out his weg at WriteintheKisser.com. And not because he asked you to either. Because he begged you to. Please please PLEASE come to my Web site. I'll never ask you for anything ever again! Even my mom doesn't go anymore, and she still writes my name in my underwear! For the love of pot roast, get me out of Alexa ratings hell!!!!!!!!