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Thursday, April 3, 2008

Happy Birthday, Wayne Newton!

Dear Wayne-o,

Hey, why’d you shave the moustache? I think it was really something; not only was it one of the top-five moustaches of all time, but you’re just not as smarmy or unctuous without it. And frankly, Wayne, I don’t know if I want to pay 400 dollars to see a lounge singer who doesn’t sport a creepy, pencil-thin ’stache.

My girlfriend hates my moustache. Hates it! She says I look like Hitler. I don’t know, I just think it looks good. It’s like a little necktie for my nose. Plus, because it’s narrow, it doesn’t sop up too much soup. I like soup, but not the way it smells when it’s under my nose all day.

Happy birthday, Newton!

Very truly yours,
Scott Baio