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Thursday, April 10, 2008

What a Deal or No Deal Model Is Thinking

Don’t blow it. Do not blow this.

You’ve practiced all week, you can open this case with your eyes closed. But keep your eyes open when the time comes. Don’t get fancy.

11. Whew. O.K., not me. Good.

11 and 8 are so lucky. They don’t even have to worry whether they’re holding their cases right side up.

How should I play it if I get called? Do I do the old slow-open? I love that one. Nailed it in my tryout. Open it a crack, give it a peek and make an upset face. Then open it all the way and let them know it was actually a good choice. The audience always likes that one.

25. That was close.

But then again there’s something to be said for the quick-open. Boom! Right away let them know what’s in the case. I think the player appreciates that. After all, it is about the player.

What the heck is up with Howie’s soul patch?

Look at Ursula down there. Bitch. Totally not her real name. Did she just watch The Little Mermaid or something? But then again if anyone did take her name from The Little Mermaid, it’d be Ariel, right? Whatever. Her name’s not all that’s fake. And like I don’t know it was her that put toothpaste under the handle of my case. This isn’t a sorority; this is NBC. We’re case openers. Act like one.

O.K., is it just me or are people staring at me? I hate lasting this long in the game. Hardly any other models up here. I get all self-conscious. Or is it conscience? Yeah, self-conscience. It’s definitely not self-consensus. Could be.

Oh, just take the deal, fatty. $92,000 is a lot of money. I love people like this. They haven’t worked a steady job in four years, but now they’re turning down close to six figures.

No deal. Smart move, guy. You’re taking advice from your girlfriend over there? Woman looks like she got a special dispensation from her pimp just to show up for the taping. I’m sure the $750 you’re going to walk out with will go a long way towards paying for her freedom.

I don’t know what she’s so happy about anyway. Every time the offer goes up, the likelihood he’s going dump her goes up proportionately.

Oh shit. He’s looking at me. Bring it, fat boy. I’m ready to open this case up. Bring it! You’ve never seen a slow-open like the one I’m about to do. And I’ll enjoy every moment of anguish I put you through.

Knew it. He called me. O.K., let’s do this. Just going to adjust the case like so. O.K., hand on that clasp over there. Other hand over here. Support it from the side. Make sure the bottom of the case is firmly planted on the table. Smile. Keep smiling. Make it look easy. It is easy. Right?

Dammit! I hate when Howie does that right-after-the-break tease.

Frank Ferri is a copywriter who thinks he's funny. Visit him at