Bayside Tigers
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Friday, April 25, 2008

How To
Which Saved by the Bell Character Are You?

Nathan Thornton

Saved by the Bell

Time to “wake up in the mornin’” when “the alarm gives out a warnin’” because this teacher’s gonna “pop a test”! Don’t worry, you can “hand it in tomorrow, it’ll be all right”!

Answer honestly and carefully, and most importantly, have fun!!!

1. You are a:

a. Jock
b. Nerd
c. Troublemaker
d. Shopaholic
e. Feminist
f. Cheerleader
g. High-school principal

2. You are:

a. Hispanic
b. White
c. White
d. Black
e. White
f. White
g. A high-school principal

3. What famous Hollywood celebrity do you most resemble?

a. Mario López
b. Dustin Diamond
c. Mark-Paul Gosselaar
d. Lark Voorhies
e. Elizabeth Berkley
f. Tiffani-Amber Thiessen
g. Dennis Haskins

4. What was your high-school nickname?

a. Slater
b. Screech
c. Zack
d. Lisa
e. Jessie
f. Kelly
g. The Prince (or The ’Pal)

5. After high school you:

a. Hosted a series of increasingly banal reality television programs
b. Guest-starred on a series of increasingly offensive reality television
c. Were featured on one of those “Where are they now?” type shows on VH1
d. Disappeared from the face of the earth
e. Weren’t you in Showgirls?
f. Were a cast member of one of the latter seasons of Beverly Hills, 90210 (Or maybe it was Melrose Place. I swear I remember my girlfriend watching it.)
g. Continued to be a high-school principal, presumably

6. What do you think of drugs?

a. They’re stupid
b. They stink
c. They’re uncool
d. Doing them is crazy
e. They’re dangerous (although remember that one time you were addicted to caffeine pills for a while because you were cramming for exams? That came out of nowhere, right?)
f. They’re dumb
g. This is a serious offense for any student

7. If you were in a band, it would be named after:

a. Your nemesis
b. Your best friend
c. Yourself
d. The coolest guy in school
e. Zack Morris
f. Your boyfriend
g. I’m sorry, guys, your band won’t be able to play unless we can raise that $5000. Looks like there won’t be a spring dance this year after all

O.K., everybody. Pencils down! Now add up your scores!

If you answered mostly:

a = You are Mr. Belding, principal of Bayside High.
b = You are Johnny Dakota, anti-drug rock star who secretly actually did drugs and it turns out, wasn’t so “cool” after all.
c = You are Sam Bobrick, creator of Saved by the Bell.
d = You are Mrs. Belding, little-seen wife of Mr. Belding.
e = Remember when Tori Spelling was on that one time, playing Screech’s nerdy girlfriend? That’s you.
f = You are Jen Lawrence, this girl from my high school who thought she looked just like Kelly Kapowski, and we were all like, You wish.
g = You are Brandon Tartikoff, former C.E.O. of NBC.

Nathan Thornton lives, eats and sleeps in Columbus, Ohio, where he writes hilarious bios to accompany humor pieces, then shakes his head, reconsiders, and decides to play it straight. His work has appeared in a couple of other places, but he doesn't like to make a big deal about it. And although he refers to himself in the third person, Nathan Thornton is me.