Hell's Bells
The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastilly Written & Sloppilly Edited

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Friday, May 2, 2008

Dirty Deeds Done Not So Dirt Cheap

Tyler Stoddard Smith & Greg Boose

Soaking a friend’s brassiere in San Pellegrino water and express-mailing it to the Alcor Life Extension Foundation to be cryogenically frozen.

Reserving the penthouse suite on Holland America’s ms Amsterdam for the sole purpose of giving your girlfriend an authentic “Dutch oven.”
Placing your sleeping older brother’s hand in a bowl of warm Château Cheval Blanc.
Surreptitiously arranging Almas caviar onto the blades of the family ceiling fan in August, locking the windows shut, then making yourself scarce for a few hours with an open line of credit at Bergdorf Goodman.

Chartering an SR-71 Blackbird from the senior prom to L’Arpège in Paris to dine on a particularly pungent meal of Ris de veau de Corrèze aux châtaignes effilées in anticipation of “upper-decking” your cousin’s toilet at his after-party.

Extracting a Cretaceous mosquito from Dominican amber, freezing it inside an ice cube, and then placing it into Uncle Martin’s scotch.
Pouring a kilo of uncut cocaine into your ex-boyfriend’s gas tank.
Using your Montblanc Generations Black Medium Point Fountain Pen to draw boners on the face of your wasted roommate.
Two chicks, one cup, three Fabergé eggs.