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Friday, May 23, 2008

If The Newlywed Game Had Been Hosted by a Talking Washing Machine Instead of Bob Eubanks …

Ryan Ridge

Sample Questions

Q.: Gentlemen, the cleanliness of garments has a great deal to do with speed, and so too does good whoopee! Ha! On a normal night, describe the velocity of your whoopee-making. Is it: Normal/Gentle, Normal/Normal, or Fast/Normal?

Q.: Ladies, a washing machine’s water level is determined by the size of the load, and so too is adequate satisfaction from whoopee! Ha! If your new hubby’s ding-dong was a load of laundry, how would you categorize its size? Is it: Small, Medium, Large, or Extra-Large?

Q.: Fellas, relationships with in-laws are a lot like Rinsing Temperatures. Sometimes hot, sometimes cold, and sometimes in-between. Describe your dealings with your Mother-in-law. Are they: Hot/Cold, Hot/Warm, Cold/Cold, or Warm/Cold?

Q.: Ladies, don’t feel bad, washing machines go through cycles too! Ha! That said let’s talk about the optimal time for making whoopee during menstruation. Is it: Light/Normal, Normal/Heavy, or Heavy/Heavy?

*** Bonus Q.: Confession: I was assembled on a conveyor belt in Schenectady, New York. But unlike me, whoopee can be manufactured just about anywhere. Where is the most exotic place you’ve manufactured whoopee? Bonus points for Laundromats!

Ryan Ridge writes and teaches in southern California. His work has most recently appeared, or is forthcoming, in 5_Trope, Chunklet, Salt Hill, Six Sentences, and elsewhere on the Web and in print.